How to Crush Without Being Crushed

The first Super Bowl party I was ever invited to happened when I was in high school.

The invitation itself was a surprise. The geniality of the other people there–people who generally didn’t have a lot to do with me in school–was even more surprising. I don’t remember who played, let alone who won the big game, but I remember having a good time.

I had a good time because there were different rules involved. Rules so different from what governed normal interactions in school that who I was didn’t make as much of a difference. It was a small group, most of whom I knew from other non-school venues (like church). It was at someone’s house (so there was no chance of uncontrolled viewing). And, perhaps above all else, it was the Super Bowl–one of those big-deal events that lends itself to the blurring of most lines of division (other than those among fans of the opposing teams, at least).

Every playing field has different rules. Those of the classroom were different from those of the lunchroom. Those of the school were different from those of the community in general. And those of the Super Bowl party were different from everything else.

The key to fitting in in different situations is to know the rules for that playing field and playing by them. I’m constantly reminded that it’s the second part of that key that makes the big difference. After all, I’ve known a lot of sets of rules for different situations for a long time. I just choose to not play by them sometimes.

Fitting in isn’t the important thing pop culture and politics try to tell us it is. Without a doubt, it can be useful and affirming. But it can also very easily become and end in and of itself. When that happens, personal growth becomes stunted and we stand the chance of losing ourselves in the name of our pursuit.

I agreed to go to that long-ago Super Bowl party for two reasons. First, it was being hosted by a girl I had a good sized crush on (not that rare of an occurrance). Second, she actually invited me (a rare thing back then). There were times I wanted desperately to fit in, this party was almost one of them.

Once at it, though, I learned that, because the rules were different, I didn’t have to make an effort to fit in.

Even though I didn’t make the connection at the time, looking back situations like that–ones where we don’t have to strain who we are in order to fit in–are the ones we should seek out most during our developing years. For me, that didn’t happen and I spent a good deal of time miserable and confused.

We’re all cut out to be good in different situations. It may take us some time to find those situations. And even when we find them, there may still be some work involved to smooth out the rough edges. Without question there will be places where you feel more at home and others where you won’t. Using that as a baseline guide, you can begin to figure yourself out.

It really is all a big game. And just like a professional athlete, we’re always learning the play book and making notes on the field conditions and the other teams. The difference between football and fitting in, though, is that with the latter everyone can come out a winner.

Why? Because when you really get down to it, we’re all on the same team.

Back in high school, very, very few people have any clue where they fit in. That’s why it’s so divisive. We were all lost and funbling around.

For a few hours, and with the help of a few pizzas and some wings, anyone can feel like they belong.

Once you’ve felt that once, you kind of spend the rest of your life trying to feel it gain.

And that is an attainable goal.

Tags: self-discovery, superbowl

May of this year marks fifteen years since my high school graduation.

As anyone who even casually reads here knows, high school played a large role in setting the groundwork for who I am now. That all became very clear to me when the ten year mark was rolling around and I got involved in the planning of that reunion.

Well, that plan didn’t quite execute and here we are five years later, trying again.

For me, high school sucked. A lot. I was obsessed with relationships I wouldn’t ever do anything about. I secured my space as a social outcast by refusing to play by the standard rules. And I had the youthful audacity to blame my unhappiness on the world at large instead of my own choices.

If it was such a horrible time, you may ask, then why do you want to relive it?

Why? Because I firmly believe that only by facing our own shortcomings of the past–only by learning from those mistakes and remembering the lessons learned way back when–can we fully be ourselves now.

Over the last year or so, as I went back through an old hand-written journal or two from those dark high school days of the early 90s, I was reminded of many things I had let slip through the cracks of depression. There were good times back then, I just chose to remember the bad ones. Without a doubt, that gave me fuel for change, but the change it created was flawed and had trouble sticking.

Most of those skewed memories involved relationships, be they pining, one-sided, romantic ones or vibrant platonic ones. In the past decade and a half I’ve come to terms with a lot of that and become a happier person because of it.

One of the greatest joys has been reconnecting with those old crushes and seeing how their lives have turned out. Talking with them about the “not-so-good old days” is empowering. I have a chance to finally tell them what I wanted to say all those years ago.

“You know, back in high school, I had a huge crush on you.” Or, “You were one of the few bright spots in those dark days, thank you.”

It’s empowering. Perhaps more importantly, it’s allowing me to clear up a lot of fog in my own head… allowing me to see just how far I’ve come.

And I’m not the only one who’s come a long way. Just about everyone I’ve spoken with from that long ago and far away land of High School has grown into themselves. Sure, some are happier than others, and some, unfortunately, have fallen on hard times they could never have imagined fifteen years ago, but on average things are good.

They’re all still pretty recognizable, though. If not in face and body, then in attitude and presentation. Some things don’t change much, it seems.

Our core self is prepped in those formative high school years. They are the last time we share a common setting with a large group of our peers. The last time we regularly interact with the people we grew up with.

Love it or hate it, there’s no denying it was an important time for each of us.

It’s where we learned the rules and consequences of social interaction. It’s where we first loved and lost.

Where we first began to be ourselves.

So, here I am, fifteen years out and still learning from the experiences of those four years.

I think we can all learn a lot by taking some time, every now and then, and looking back.

At the absolute least, it lets us know that, if we’ve made it this far, we can probably keep going a bit more.

Tags: firsts

I’ve been talking a bit about talking lately, about taking chances, about moving things forward.

But now I want you to talk to me.

Tell me about two or three times in your life where you learned a whole lot about yourself through your interactions (real or imagined) with someone else.

I know you’ve all got a story or two to tell.

Things are busy here in WithoutBeingCrushed.com-land. Between Christmas and today, I’ve already fallen into three or four new crushes.

And of those three or four, I’ve already taken the chance and pushed one or two of them ahead to the “trying to get to know her better” stage. That, of course, brings the whole process closer to the “attempting to date” arena, the point of “new friend” (where the crush transforms into that all-important lasting platonic relationship) or on to “no, really, she’s really not that awesome, we’ll just go our separate ways” land.

Those are really the three places every crush should head. While I personally prefer to acquire new friends over dating and meeting people who will just fall out of my life, I’m really game for any of those outcomes at the beginning.

The problem is, you can’t get to any of those places without taking a bit of a chance.

Taking that chance always involves a leap into the uncomfortable, it always involves the possibility of failure and it always involves what, on the surface, seems quite simple: just talking to her.

I’ve never been particularly good at that.

My nerves often get the best of me, my throat closes up, my tongue goes numb and my brain just freezes. More than once over the years, I’ve been able to do little more than squeak out a weak “hi” when face-to-face with the object of my irrational affection.

Looking back, the only times I used to do well with talking to women was when I did it accidentally or when I was in a totally self-destructive mood and didn’t care about the risk. More recently, I’ve tried to harness old lessons to ease the anxiety without being oblivious or seeking my own annihilation.

The trick, for me, is to be honest in my goals. All I really want is for that potential friendship to become something real. Any romance that may occur would be an extra added bonus. I’m not preoccupied by “gettin’ some” or any other typical male motives. Without those in the way, the blow to the ego from a rejection is a little bit less.

Why? Because first, I’m not putting myself on the line. A rejection of a non-sexual nature doesn’t assail any of the basic, animalistic desires that drive us all. Second, it allows me a psychological “out”–I can simply say “Well, she just misinterpreted what I was trying to do… she just thought I was another guy hitting on her.” That places any blame on the communication process and not either person, letting it be looked at much more objectively. And third, well, I fully realize that it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get another date or another friend. One and/or he other would be nice, but only if the other person is in to that idea, too.

With little to lose and everything to gain, I get an extra little boost that helps me overcome the innate random anxiety of taking that chance. The rest of that push comes from sheer force of will and knowing, from years of experience, that no matter what, the interaction to come has to be better than other interactions I’ve had.

The worst thing that usually happens is the attempt to strike up a conversation or to get to know her better gets read as a standard pick-up line or an attempt to bed her. It’s a bit difficult to not be read that way with every other guy she meets having those goals. A little persistence and a lot of honesty of intent can go a long way, though.

I’m about a month and a half away from what I hope will be a successful “official” launch of the Without Being Crushed website. Needless to say, I’m a bit nervous.

But I always get like that when I start making plans.

I really should know better by now.

One of the worst things I ever tried to do while pursuing any of my crushes was to try to plan out how an interaction would go. I’d get myself all worked up over everything that could go wrong and, sometimes more so, over things that could possibly go right. Half the time that prevented me from doing anything–I was just too worn out!

The other half of the time I learned pretty solidly that no matter how thoroughly you plan, it never goes quite like you’ve rehearsed.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t try to be prepared for how things may go. On the contrary, being aware of contingencies is one of the best things you can do in business or in relationships. What you can’t do is get so attached to a certain pattern that you freeze up when you deviate from it.

Most of life is improvisation. If you’re going to go all in, you have to be comfortable working without a script. You have to know yourself well enough to switch gears quickly to keep up with what reality throws at you. Knowing what may go on helps with that. Being able to adapt comes from a willingness to learn.

Whenever I got myself stuck on what the script was going to be for a conversation, I stood a good chance of freezing up when the other person didn’t deliver her line quite the way I had planned. Once I got over my expectations for what the responses would be, it got a little easier to follow through on my initial plans. Not always to the letter, but at least to an end.

Over the next month and a half, I expect to do a lot of improv here. Past that official launch date, I expect things to get a bit chaotic. I hope to be surprised (in a good way) on how I ride those waves and on what they bring in with them.

Regardless of how it goes, it’ll be learning experience–just like every last one of my crushes.