Before you can have a truly deep and meaningful relationship with others, you have to cultivate one with yourself.
A big part of that is learning to be alone, comfortably--to enjoy your own company and not rely on the constant hum and sputter of the world at large to keep you from getting to know (and love) yourself.
Filmmaker Andrea Dorfman created this very nice little video that resonates well with me and may be a help to you:
Just the other week, there was an article that pointed to a study making the claim that listening to romantic music (love songs) increases a person’s predisposition to entertain romantic thoughts and accept romantic advances.
I don’t find the idea all that outlandish. In fact, it makes plenty of good sense to me.
Now there are two things I want to know from you:
Talk to me people, I’ve been away from this blog for the better part of a month now, help me dust it off.
When did you last see fireworks?
No, not the kind that’ll be going off in the sky this weekend… the kind between you and another person.
That old trope used in everything from classic cartoons to sitcoms to bad teen poetry, like many cliches, does have a granular bit of usefulness and truth to it. In this case, while it completely misses the specialness of, it accurately conveys the beauty and danger of falling for someone.
These days, fireworks are common. Once upon a time they weren’t. You’d only see the sky light up on really special occasions–not with every rock band and baseball game. Back then, it was really something special and awe-inspiring. The “ooo!” and “aaaaah!” of the crowd was genuine and not simply a conditioned (and/or ironic) response to something just slightly off from common.
The same is not true of the romantic kind of fireworks. In the sea of noise and distraction we live in every day, it’s become a little harder to feel those first bits of romance kick in. It’s not until something deep down speaks up loudly and explodes across our emotional field of view that we really take notice. And by then… well, by then we’re neck deep into something we didn’t necessarily see coming.
Even if you are among the lucky group that pays enough attention to see the nice sparklers we run into every day, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment and not see the risk involved in the beauty.
The simple truth is, the risk is what fuels the beauty.
One of the reasons fireworks are awe-inspiring is because they’re made out of fire. Seriously. Touch them and you get burned. Treat them improperly and you can just get yourself killed.
When fireworks hit in a romantic relationship, they can blind us to incompatibilities we’d otherwise see. All too often, our personal fireworks are lit by physical attributes and not much else. That’s just the nature of the human being.
But the show is oh-so-pretty and it’s difficult to not end up in awe.
We should all take some lessons from the fireworks masters who put on the best shows: always check your setup before you light the fuse.
A moment of hesitation, of clarity, is a very important part of protecting ourselves and those we care about from a needlessly negative experience. In that moment, we have to take stock of who we are, what we are willing and able to offer, and where the firework-indicing attraction has come from.
That way we can make the firm decision to move forward, burn hot, bright, and high, any maybe, just maybe, actually become a star in the sky.
Yes, sometimes the risk is more than worth it. The most spectacular displays of pyrotechnics are also often the most dangerous.
In matters of the heart, the risks are more personal and intangible–losing face, losing friends, being rejected–but the success, of finding just the right chemistry with someone else, bring far more joy.
For those who have loved and lost, as oh so many have, there’s often talk of “trying to find that feeling again” or being worried that “there won’t be anyone like him again”.
Talk like that is, realistically speaking, useless.
We are different every minute of the day–always changing based on internal and external stimuli. The same is true of everyone else we interact with. If we’re not the same minute-to-minute, we’re definitely not the same year-to-year. And if we’re talking about interaction with another person… well, there’s very little “the same” even if you’ve been with that other person forever.
Because we’re ever-evolving and because everyone else is, too, you are never going to recapture exactly the same feeling as some point in the past. You are never going to find someone like the (mostly mythical) person you remember your ex being.
(Yes, I say “mostly mythical” because our minds change things on us all the time. If we’re longing for “the good old days” those days will seem all the more good. If we’re pining away over an ex, we’re more than likely going to forget or gloss over all the bad times that lead up to them being an ex.)
If you spend all your time and energy trying to reclaim something that is impossible to reclaim, you will constantly be disappointed and exhausted.
I’ve seen this again and again. I’ve done this myself more times than I’d care to count. It’s natural and it’s human.
But we have to be aware that we do things like this so we can work to change our wasteful and self-destructive patterns.
The feelings we have for others are beyond comparable to one another. Each is unique and rich and valid in its own way. It is possible–and more common than most think–to have equally strong feelings for multiple people. It’s one of the bigger sources of internal dissonance we run into. “I can’t possibly feel that way…”
Bottom line is, we all have to realize that, yes, we are never going to replace that person who’s no longer part of our lives. We don’t need to. We’ll create something different with someone else–or ourselves. Something that will be different, but give us a similar satisfaction, a similar rush, a similar joy.
Love is never the same twice. And trying to make it be is a recipe for dissatisfaction.
Some WithoutBeingCrushed.com site news for your Monday.
WordPress (the content management system that runs the site) just released it’s newest version, 3.0, last week. I’ve upgraded and I’m taking some time to play with some of the new options. So far, pretty neat stuff (most of it invisible to those of you who only see the front end of things, but for others who run their own blogs, useful things, indeed). If anything glitches up, let me apologize in advance… it’s probably from me fiddling with things. If something’s not working, drop me a note or just wander away for a few minutes and come back later.
In the ongoing effort to get some more eyeballs here, I’ve added a few things to the front end.
First, you may notice that new toolbar across the bottom of your browser when you’re on the site. (If it’s your first time here since I turned it on the other week, it’ll even pop up a little message announcing itself.) That’s from a company called Wibiya and has a whole host of neat buttons that I now don’t have to include in the site design. Useful? You tell me.
Second, I’ve just turned on a fan page over on FaceBook. Along with that, I’ve enabled a few modules on the site’s back end that (once I get them all running properly–a wee bit trickier than I thought it would be, or maybe I just need more sleep before I tinker with this stuff) will keep that fan page up to date with info from the site and allow all of you who have FB accounts to log in over here and more easily comment and share things.
Third, I’m working on a new design for the site. This is probably still some time off as I am not at all a designer. I’ve got some vague ideas of what I’m looking for, but I’m open to suggestions–or offers of theme design services. I’m not even close to making any money on this site (yet), so I can’t actually hire someone to do it… so it may be a while before it’s all in place. But, if someday you drop by and things look really different, well, I’ve been successful and hopefully you’ll like it.
July is quickly approaching and I want it to be jam-packed with new and worthwhile content (especially since I’m aiming to get so many new people browsing through here). If what I’ve been writing resonates with you, help me tune it a little more. (And if everything I write just kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, thanks for continuing to come back, but realize you’re probably not going to benefit from the main purpose of this site.)
There are a few other things on the horizon–including an international connection or two. Exciting things that are still in very formative stages… so I can’t say much more than that.
Mostly, I just want to take a moment and thank everyone who comes through here and to encourage you to share your favorite articles with your friends and point anyone you think may need it to the site.
Little by little, we can build a community that uses the Grown Up Crush to live happier and more fulfilled lives.
