The important question is “Why?”
Why are you interested in getting into a relationship?
Why are you in a relationship now?
Why do you stay in this relationship?
Is it for her?
Or him?
Or you?
Is it because “that’s just what people do?”
Why do you do what you’re doing?
If you can’t honestly answer that most basic question, you probably shouldn’t be in the relationship.
Successful relationships, like most of life, require willful action.
Once you’ve decided that you want to learn more about yourself by taking your crushes to the Grown Up Crush level, there are four major tools you’ll be using: Self Control, Imagination, Introspection and Action.
Without Self Control, there’s no way other than dumb luck that you’re going to keep from falling so hard into a crush that you’ll get hurt and confused. Self Control allows you to deliberately move one step at a time. It allows you to step outside of your actions and realize what the outcomes (intended or unintended) may be. Most importantly, it allows you to not make what you know is a really bad decision.
Like many things, you get better at Self Control through practice. Start small in an unrelated area of your life–preferably something that doesn’t have a lot of emotional energy weight behind it. Decide to do something in a certain way, at a certain time for a certain duration. Exercise is a good example, as would be a hobby like painting or writing. Learn what it feels like to be in control of yourself. What it’s like to focus and separate yourself from the distractions around you.
Self Control isn’t easy to master. As humans, we’re fallible creatures. If you slip up, don’t be too hard on yourself. That’s part of the learning process. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again.
Make Self Control into a habit. As a general rule, it takes about three weeks to get into a groove with a habit. It takes three days (or three missed iterations) to break that groove.
Taking control of your actions and thoughts will help you not get swept away by the emotions involved in crushes. Or, at least, it will let you more easily get your feet back on the ground once you’ve fallen head over heels.
Most of the work of discovery done in the course of a Grown Up Crush takes place in your head. Because of this, Imagination is exceptionally important. Without a solid Imagination, you’ll find it difficult to run yourself through fictional scenarios with your crush.
Imagination is one part storytelling, one part acting and one part creativity. Don’t worry–we all have those parts in us. The thing is, most people let the mental muscles that make up those parts atrophy as they creep into their adult years. As children, most of us had fantastic imaginations. Try to reclaim that.
Like everything else, Imagination takes some practice. Prod it into action through some creative work–writing or sketching or painting, anything will do. Be silly with it. Be serious with it. Just get used to stepping outside of plain old reality. It’s good for you, even if you’re not going to run with the Grown Up Crush idea.
Even better, you can practice your Self Control and work your Imagination at the same time. Do something creative at the same time every day or every few days during the week. That way you can really have a handle on the whole process.
Everything involved in a Grown Up Crush is useless without Introspection. In deciding you wanted to learn more about yourself, you’ve already begun practicing some of the key points needed for worthwhile Introspection.
Honesty and an ability to not get drawn down into self-destructive criticisms are two key components to Introspection. You have to be able to objectively look at a situation–either during or after the fact–and evaluate it.
How did the situation make you feel? How did your actions influence things? What could have gone better? What could have gone worse? Those are just some of the questions you need to address after each step in the Grown Up Crush.
Sometimes it’s hard to answer those questions honestly. It hurts to realize we didn’t do as well as we had hoped or to admit that what we did hurt someone else. Keep in mind that it’s impossible to actually live life without stumbling and sometimes inadvertently hurting others. As time goes on, both of those occurrences should decrease.
Introspection takes just as much practice as Imagination and Self Control. It’s also intimately tied to those two things. Together they make up the core of any program of personal development.
Without Action, nothing you do matters.
You can imagine and evaluate things all you want, but unless you do something with the knowledge and information you gain, nothing changes.
The goal of the Grown Up Crush is change.
When you decide to do something, set a deadline and then do it by that deadline. If you miss the deadline, take a step back and look at why you missed it.
Be Introspective about it–don’t make excuses. Know why you do (or don’t do) things. Work to understand and change.
Be Creative in deciding what to do and how to do it–creative action can have a much deeper effect on yourself and others than plain wrote action.
Most importantly, be in Control of your actions–the main way you’re going to get hurt (or hurt others) is by rushing off half-cocked and flailing into a situation. Even when things go in unexpected ways, be confident enough in yourself that you stop for a moment and think about what you’re going to do before you do it. Alternately, be well-practiced enough that some useful responses are automatic and instinctual.
With the four tools of Self Control, Imagination, Introspection and Action, you can move forward not just with your Grown Up Crush work, but with many other things in life.
The first step in taking control of your crushes and making them useful as well as fun, is getting to know yourself.
By taking a few minutes and answering five questions–the first of many you’ll eventually be asking yourself as the process goes on–you can discover a little bit more about where you’re starting from.
Everything from here on out requires that you be honest with yourself. Especially about things that make you uncomfortable. Without that commitment to honesty, you won’t be able to effectively take advantage of the idea of the Grown Up Crush.
There’s no rush when it comes to the process you’re about to embark on. Everyone works at their own pace and has their own comfort level. You may decide along the way that this process isn’t for you, at least not now, and abandon it. Later, you may decide to give it another try and things will just click.
So answer those five questions and keep them where you’ll be able to reference them later. A special file on your computer or a hard copy journal could be very useful.
When exploring, there are two main things you need: a starting point and a rough idea of what you’re looking to do.
The starting point gives you somewhere to gauge how far you’ve gone. It gives you an anchor point and, in a worst case scenario, a port of sorts to return to.
The rough idea of what you’re looking for gives you the reason to leave that port in the first place. For explorers of old, like Magellan and Columbus, that rough idea was “I want to see what else is out there (and maybe make some cash finding better ways around).” So they set sail into uncharted waters and, along the way, charted them.
While doing that they pushed the limits of reason, of the technology of the time and of themselves and their crew. Some of those limits expanded more easily than others when hit, some of them more painfully and with greater repercussions. Everyone involved–and, soon enough, all of the world–ended up with different limits. And all of those limits were farther from the starting point than when they started.
In our own lives, we all develop limits. There is only so far we comfortably stray from our safe ports–be they physical or mental–before turning around and coming back. Rarely do most venture out in to the uncharted territories, those places on the map labeled only “Here there be dragons.”
But if you’re really interested in growing, in learning about yourself and, ultimately, building better relationships, you have to venture into those dark waters.
Before you do that it helps to know the same two things any other explorer should know: where you’re starting and what you’re hoping to accomplish.
Without the proper preparation, you have little point of reference and may find yourself going endlessly in circles. If you lose sight of where you started, you run deeper and farther into dangerous places that you’re not quite ready for.
The first rule is “Know thyself.”
That is your starting point.
Your goal? Know thyself better.
Yes, that’s a broad and some would say easily achievable goal.
After all, everything we do can teach us a little more about ourselves, right?
Yes, anything can… but most of us don’t bother to learn like that. We learn best when put in more extreme situations.
We discover the most about ourselves when we push ourselves (or, in some cases, are pushed) to our current personal limits. One nudge beyond that, one step over that line we could see so clearly from where we once stood, and we are out of our comfort zone and in completely new territory.
Once you’re in that new space, you may find it’s not as bad as you imagined. More importantly, you’ll have not only learned something about yourself, you’ll have tested that knowledge and taken action with it.
The second rule is: Knowledge that is not tested, is not proven.
When exploring your own personal limits, engage in deep thinking and thought experiments. Role play different scenarios, either alone or with trusted friends. Discuss things. But, when given the chance, act on what you know.
You will, without a doubt, discover some limits that you can’t–or won’t choose to–push. That’s OK. Those are important limits. They mark end points, and end points can be almost as important as yours tarting point. The more you find, the better defined your map of yourself becomes.
But if endpoints are important, why not choose one from the beginning? Why not work toward a specific goal instead of the more general one?
You can do that.
In doing so, though, you run the risk of forgetting to pay attention to the journey and the opportunities it provides. By going after one goal, you may miss out on other, unexpected and equally important discoveries.
No matter what, you will end up in a different place from where you began–a new starting point for your next adventure in self exploration.
At one point or another, you’re going to have a crush that goes from light and fun to downright dark and destructive.
It happens to the best of us, no matter how well we know ourselves, no matter how hard we try to keep it form happening. It’s just part of the process.
The important thing is to, in those moments of clarity that always pop up in such a situation, to be able to recognize you’ve crossed a line. Once you’re aware of that, then you can pull yourself back before you get totally squished by an obsessive crush.
Here’s seven warning signs to look for.
1. You think about the object of your crush all the time.
Obsession is one of those things that sneaks up on you. If you’re not aware of your own normal patterns, you may not notice it at all. But if you do pay attention to where your mind wanders, you should be able to catch it drifting again and again to the same person. The tricky thing here is that there’s a fine line between fond daydreams and obsessive thoughts. Know where that line lies for you and, if you feel you’re crossing it, stop yourself.
2. Your crush starts to get in the way of your everyday life.
When you start to seriously change your patterns of behavior just to catch a glimpse of the object of your affection, you could be in trouble. If those pattern changes get in the way of your job or interactions with friends or family, you’re crossing into a danger zone. Rein in your obsession before it takes a chunk out of your life and livelihood.
3. You find yourself doing things you swore you would never do.
Sending five e-mails to the same person in a row. Incessantly calling and hanging up. Staying up all night in your car, parked across from her apartment building. Yeah, things like that. Things you once looked at and said “Gee, that’s ridiculous!” Check yourself and your actions. Have you become that creepy character you used to make fun of in movies?
4. You’re not working to mesh fantasy and reality.
Even if you do start slipping into all three of the things mentioned above, it can still be OK and part of the normal progression from crush to relationship. The key to that? Making an effort to reconcile the fantasy you have going on with what actually is. If you’re working up the nerve to talk to your crush, it’s OK to balk a few times. But if it becomes a constant thing, or you lose sight of where that line is between fantasy and reality (see below), you’re in trouble.
5. If asked, the object of your crush would either not know you or be afraid of you.
Part of moving from fantasy to reality is actually interacting in a productive way with the object of your crush. If he or she doesn’t know who you are or–even worse–is being totally creeped out by what you’ve been doing, stop and give him or her some space. If you haven’t crossed the line into obsessive stalker territory, this shouldn’t be much of a problem. A little time and breathing room can go a long way to clearing up misconceptions. Most of the time.
6. Your friends have told you you’re taking things too far.
The simple fact of the matter is that we’re often blind to our own actions. Even if you’ve spent years getting to know yourself, there’s always something you can’t see. This is where your friends become important. Good friends will let you know when you cross lines. Great friends will go out of their way to pull you back into safe and sane territory. If you’re keeping your crush and what you do in relation to that crush a secret from even your closest friends, you’re treading on dangerous ground and may already be in a very bad place. If you’re not sure, get a second opinion from someone you trust.
7. You can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.
If someone asks if you have girlfriend and you say “Yes” and start telling stories about all the dates you’ve been on, the person you name should be able to corroborate those stories. If they can’t you’re either lying on purpose to the person asking or you’ve lost your grasp on reality and gotten stuck in a fantasy world. Chances are you won’t realize this. If you’ve made it this far into destructive crush territory, it may take some serious intervention (and a whole lot of trouble) to get back on the right side of the fence. Depending on how far astray you’ve wandered, there may be legal action that happens (restraining orders are not good things, being picked up for attempted murder due to imagined jealousy is even worse). It is much easier to not let things get to this point.
Crushes are wonderful and useful things, but they can also lull you into a fantasy life that has no real connection to the rest of the world. Keep at least one foot on the ground at all times, no matter how high in the clouds your head may be and you’ll be able to avoid the worst of the problems above. Be open and honest with yourself and those around you and you won’t have to do that alone.