How to Crush Without Being Crushed

In the past month, I’ve thought about sex more than I usually do. Mostly because of the posts I was writing for here.

The part that wasn’t covered by that directed thought is most likely due to the fact that I’ve been single and celibate for over eight years now. That often elicits a gasp of disbelief from people. “How can you possibly do that?” they seem to wonder.

It’s really not that difficult.

Sex hasn’t been something I’ve been deeply pursuing in relationships in a very long time. Once I got my head out of my hormones (in my late teens), sex wasn’t even close to a driving force in my romantic life–let alone my regular set of interpersonal interactions.

I haven’t been avoiding sex. I have nothing against it whatsoever. When I was having it, it was generally quite fun. But I really don’t miss it most of the time.

Why? Because I’ve separated the ideas of sex and intimacy and come to terms with the fact that what I really want is intimacy. And I’m lucky enough to get plenty of that from my friends.

But, oh, have I been thinking a lot about sex these past few weeks.

So much so that I think some “typical guy” patterns have crawled out from under the rocks they’ve been sitting quietly under for a long time.

You know those patterns. Those guys who get distracted by anything with breasts and stop and stare for just long enough to cross the line from OK to creepy. Yeah. Them.

I’ve never been one of them and I really don’t want to be. I have too much respect for people as people.

That’s not to say I don’t look… I just try not to leer. I’m also of the opinion that if you’re going to let it all hang out, you better not complain if someone does leer and ogle. As long as they don’t touch, there’s not much you’re going to be able to legitimately complain about. And the same goes for guys, though the “letting it all hang out” style for guys is usually more laughable than sexually stimulating.

The point of it all is this: Regardless of what we want to believe, we are sexual creatures. Also regardless of what we want to believe, we have the power to chose which urges to act on. We have a force of Will and it is our duty to use that to control ourselves.

There is no excuse for anyone who tries to impose their own sexual morals on others. If it bothers you so much that someone shows a bit of skin, sigh and move on. Don’t you dare try to be morally superior when the root of your belief is that temptation is bad. Temptation isn’t bad. Giving in to temptation is bad. If you don’t have the strength to not give in, you’ve got a lot of work to do.

There is no excuse for anyone who gives all of their gender or orientation a bad name by having poor impulse control. If you’re a correctly functioning human, you can very well know when you’re crossing a big line. When you find yourself feeling guilty about everything you do in a certain arena of your life, change your behavior. Is it easy? No. But it is possible and it will be better for you and everyone around you in the long run if you take responsibility for your actions.

There are worse things in this world than sex. Much worse things. We accept a lot of them in this nation better than we accept sex. There’s something wrong with that.

Yeah, I’ve thought a lot more about sex in the past month than I usually do. But at least I’ve actually thought about it. I didn’t just muse on it while touching myself. That’s about as far as too many people out there get. As soon as their libido gets involved, their brains shut off. They think about the last time they had it, they think about how they’re going to get it next time.

But they rarely think about why they think about it so much.

One of the biggest assets in any relationship is self-knowledge. If you don’t know why you do things, how can you expect anyone else to? Be it sex or intimacy, the need to always be in charge or the lack of ability to take criticism, the more you know about yourself and what motivates your actions, the better you’ll be able to relate to others.

The better we know ourselves, the better relationships we’ll have with others.

It’s just that simple.

And, of course, that complex.

Nope. Not easy, but worth it in the long run.

Tags: introspection, sex

When you begin to talk about fantasy in the context of relationships, images of affectionate French maids, naughty librarians, buff pool boys and dashing bandits are immediately conjured.

As far as most people seem to be concerned, fantasy is all about sex and eroticism. That’s the diet we’re fed by media going back generations. That’s where it’s most obvious and most remembered.

Quite frankly, it’s also where it’s most fun.

But it is far from where it is most useful.

If we were to dedicate just a portion of the imagination we use in our sexual fantasies to other areas of our relationships awareness, we can discover so much more about others and ourselves.

Without a doubt, it is important to have a healthy fantasy life–especially when it comes to relationships. As long as we don’t get all caught up in all the “what isn’t” those fantasies are great fuel for “what is” and “what can be.” Our imaginary worlds, where anything goes, help us release the frustrations of every day life. They help us break the mundane bonds that tie us into roles we don’t always care for all that much.

Most fantasies occur when we just let our minds wander. Little snippets of our normal lives become interspersed with bits of movies and books we’ve read. People we’ve seen in passing (or, perhaps, those we wish to know better) creep in and play bigger roles. We accentuate all of our best traits, maybe indulge a little in things we would never actually do. Our internal fantasy worlds can be as vivid–or even more vivid–than our day-to-day lives.

If we take that same fantastic feeling and apply a little direction, though, we open up a new realm of possibility. If we don’t turn off the logical and introspective part of our minds when we enter a fantasy, we can glean much information about ourselves.

A directed fantasy life could be the second most important tool for self-discovery out there. (The most important, of course, being actually doing things.)

Instead of being merely a distraction, fantasies become learning experiences.

In the realm of sexual pleasure, pay attention to what goes on in those fantasies. If you have a willing partner, discuss the actions–no matter how silly or odd they may seem. Don’t demand or expect the fantasies to be acted out, but don’t shy away from suggesting them. It is truly amazing how many couples share similar (or complimentary) sexual fantasies but never realize it.

In the non-sexual vein, a directed fantasy life is the ingredient that turns any of the normal crushes into a Grown Up Crush. The fantasies become thought experiments, private laboratories where we can mix and match different ingredients and see what we get. The more vivid your imagination, the more sharp your observation, the more useful the technique is.

Take, for example, that random girl (or guy, as the case may be) at the bus stop. You see her every day and think she’s cute. Maybe you’ve heard her talk on her phone while waiting. Maybe you’ve noticed the jewelry she always wears. You see how she carried herself. You probably have a vague idea of the kind of person she is.

Plug that vague idea into your personal fantasy laboratory. Imagine taking the initiative and talking to her. How does that make the imaginary you feel? Is there nervousness even in your fantasy world? Good. That anchors it to reality. Use the fact that you can imagine over-coming it to learn what getting past being nervous may feel like.

Imagine her responding positively or negatively to your approach. Try it a bunch of different ways. Take the good with the bad. The more angles you work the mental simulation from, the more you will discover about what feels right for you. Because it’s all in your own head, the fantasy construct of that familiar stranger takes on more of your own traits than you’ll realize at first. By interacting with that composite version of “her” you will be able to dig down deeper into yourself.

And for every time you imagine something better than what could actually happen, you’ll also come up with a much worse outcome than you’re ever likely to see. Take heart in that fact when you get ready to move from the fantasy to the reality. You’ll already be prepared for the worst–and reality most likely won’t be all that bad.

The real proof of it all, of course, is making that leap from fantasy to reality. It’s not an easy leap, but it is necessary if you are to actually grow as a person. Staying coddled in your “best case scenario” fantasy world is no better than locking yourself in your room, refusing to leave and then being surprised when you starve to death.

What the Grown Up Crush really is, is a directed fantasy. The Grown Up Crush theory can be applied to old crushes and new ones–after all, you remember what those old ones were like and it all takes place in your head, anyway.

The more you interact with your internal constructs of strangers, the more you learn about interacting with yourself. If you inject people you know better into your imaginary world, and try to make them as close to the person you know as possible, you can learn a lot about interacting with others. Even better, since you already know them, the chances of verifying your thought experiments are even better. Then, you can make adjustments for the next time you indulge in your fantasy world.

Fantasies can be light and fleeting, floating like a vapor on the soft summer air. They can be raunchy and sexual and exhilarating. They can be indulgent and a total escape from reality.

But fantasies can also be useful tools for learning how to better interact with the real world. They can help you learn about yourself–your likes, your needs and your wants. They can help you grow into the person you want to be.

Fantasies can be the proving ground for things that, with action, become reality.

Tags: fantasy, sex

Sticking with the whole “lusty month of May” theme, let’s talk a little this week about intimacy and sex.

As you may have guessed from last week’s post, I think sex is more than a little over-rated. Too many people focus on it and miss out on what I think are the better things in a relationship. One of those things is intimacy.

Unfortunately, intimacy is too often confused with sex. Some people seem to think (and some of our entertainment would like us to believe) that sex is the most intimate thing you can do with someone. That sex has some intrinsic meaning to it.

Well, let me tell you that it most certainly does not.

What sex has intrinsically is the chance for reproduction of the species. That’s about it.

Everything else–all the deep meaning and romance and fun–comes from how we look at it and how we approach it. Even then, when we do everything “right”, sex can still come up short of filling some deeper need.

Sure, there’s biological needs and pressures that sex fulfills and relieves, and that would be all good and fine if we were just physical critters. We have an emotional side that needs to be fulfilled, too. And a spiritual side that needs energy of its own to feel whole.

Sex can fill all those needs, but only if it’s connected with intimacy.

What we’re not told enough is that, even without sex, most of those needs can be taken care of. (And, with a little self-love, all of those needs can get worked out.)

But what is intimacy? How can sex not have to be intimate?

Intimacy is that connection you feel with another person. That feeling of perfect trust and quiet comfort. It’s that feeling that’s often there after some really good sex… but if it’s a good relationship, it’s there long before you’re thrashing about in the bed (or the back seat).

Intimacy comes from being open and honest with someone who’s being equally open and honest with you. It is give and take–and you have to be willing to do both.

Sex can be a very mechanical thing. It can even be emotionless. I’ve seen enough interviews with sex workers over the years to accept that, for some, it’s just a job. Sex can be no different than your most boring day on the job.

But when sex is an expression of intimacy–when it comes from a natural progression of emotion (and not just a flash of hormones)–it can be a beautiful and invigorating thing.

Not to say that sex “just for fun” doesn’t have it’s place, but if you’re in it for the long-haul, it will be better than that one night stand.

Intimacy is what makes sex a part of a relationship and not just an end in itself. Intimacy is what adds the depth to the romance, making it more than just a hollow gesture. It’s what adds that “something more” to the biological urges that lets you choose to not bend to them until the time is right.

The only way to get it all right, is to know yourself and be willing to really know someone else.

Next week, we’re going to keep on this theme and talk a little about the ever-interesting concept of a fantasy life and how that ties in to intimacy, creativity and self-knowledge.

Tags: sex

Tra la! It’s May!
The lusty month of May!
That lovely month when ev’ryone goes
Blissfully astray.
Tra la! It’s here!
That shocking time of year
When tons of wicked little thoughts
Merrily appear!

So goes one of the songs from Camelot, the musical version of a section of the Arthurian Legends so well-known and the root of many a romantic notion.

May is definitely the time when nature comes alive and gets all sorts of frisky. Not in the way that we celebrate on Valentine’s Day, but in a more natural and carnal way. The winter is over. The air is warm and the weather is finally settling down a bit. Things are alive again.

And that’s when libido kicks up a notch.

This, in and of itself, isn’t a problem. But as anyone who’s been out to a local bar on a Saturday night will be able to tell you just how much of an idiot a guy thinking with his “dumb stick” can be.

That drop in intelligence isn’t limited to the males of the human species. I’ve seen women get just as worked up and just as blind to the more sensible things around them.

Before I get misunderstood, let me just say that I think sex is a good thing–in moderation. I’m all for recreational sex (as long as it’s done safely and everyone is willing) and I firmly believe that it can be one of the most beautiful expressions of Love between two people.

But we live in a culture (at least here in the U.S.) with oddly Puritanical values. Sex is, at best, ignored and, at worst, demonized. Thankfully, that’s changing, but the current waves of change go quite a bit to the opposite extreme, removing all meaning (and understanding) of sex from the equation. Neither extreme is a good place to be.

Yet, a number of relationships are based on sex. Many more get started because of sex. Some end because of sex (or, more frequently, lack of sex).

There’s no question that there is a strong biological imperative to reproduce. It’s how the species keeps on keeping on. But we supplant many of our biological predispositions. And, let’s face it, when done correctly, sex is a whole lot of fun.

Fun is a good thing to get out of a relationship. In fact, any relationship that doesn’t have a good dose of fun in it is most likely doomed (or should be for the sake of the people in it). There needs to be something more, though, to make a relationship work. That’s why so many relationships based purely on sex fade with time.

As I said before, there can be casual sexual relationships with little problem. But in order for them to go that smoothly, all people involved need to be comfortable with who they are and they all have to understand that the “relationship” is just about the fun. Even with all of that made clear, our deep need for intimate relationships can very quickly change that balance and send one member of the arrangement into a much deeper emotional place than others.

In other words, it takes a very self aware, grown-up person to have a successful sex only relationship.

At least that’s what it takes to have a long-term successful arrangement like that.

More emotional pain and suffering is caused by our obsession with sex than just about any other part of our relationship lives. Either pining for it or regretting it.

This is even more true for those who aren’t built for sex. That’s not to say they can’t perform. It’s just that some people are much more emotionally focused than others. Some people need the deeper parts of a relationship. And they need their partner to feel the same way.

As with most things in relationships, the part that sex plays in the scheme of things is all about balance. That balance is different for everyone. Where your needs balance in that system is something you have to discover for yourself. You can do that either by trial and error in relationships (they way most people out there do it) or through the utilizing the Grown Up Crush.

Yeah, sex is important. And right about now, we’re all feeling our biological urges. But to act without knowing why–or worse, to act for reasons that you know will leave only pain in their wake–is a recipe for disaster.

To give of yourself, you must know yourself. For best results, give to another who can match your gift.

Tags: sex