How to Crush Without Being Crushed

First impressions count for a lot. If you’re meeting people online, there’s a good chance your profile picture is a hefty part of your first impression.

The crew over at OK Cupid (you know them–they’re a dating site and also one of the big producers of silly meme-quizzes) has dipped into their massive user-base and mined the data to answer some questions about what kinds of profile pictures work best for getting a response.

Keep in mind that while this deals with online dating (and specifically those who use OK Cupid, as opposed to other dating sites) some of the ideas put forth can be very useful in crafting your general online identity or your own profile on a dating site. It’s also got some other flaws (some of which are discussed in the comments of the article).

More importantly, it’s an interesting look at a handful of theories we’ve all tossed around every now and then.

Check out The 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures.

Tags: dating, identity, online, study

With my current schedule getting in the way of all sorts of things, I have yet to write what I planned on for this space.

Luckily, friends in other places stumble across interesting things.

For example, here’s a little vintage educational film about dating…

By today’s standards, that’s some amazingly tame (and downright square) stuff. At least for most people I know. Even more so for those of us in our third decade.

But it did get me thinking about two things: First Dates and Best Dates.

And since I’m pressed for time, I turn the stage over to you, dear readers. Tell me stories of your First Date and/or of your Best Date.

Tags: dating, open mic, video

You’d think that with three years of a totally obsessive and self-destructive crush behind me, I’d have learned my lesson.

Especially with everything else that I started to learn in high school.

Well, you’d be wrong.

I still had a habit of fixating on people. Usually people I was interested in dating and horribly crushing on. Sometimes, those crushes would come and go–their intensity waxing and waning over time. Most of them never got intense enough one way or the other to overcome my personal anxiety barriers.

There were some, though, that did. For good or ill, I think I actually went on more dates in high school than I did in college or since. Almost none of them are what anyone would call “successful.” (Especially by high school-themed pop culture standards.)

One of those waxing and waning crushes had been in place for at least a year before it really hit me.

She was a year behind me, in the orchestra, a bit of an athlete, tall as anything and, as far as I was concerned, near perfection.

In my sophomore year, my courage peaked once or twice and I actually asked her out to dinner and a movie. (That was the standard thing to do back then, some days I wonder if it’s changed all that much in modern high school culture.)

Amazingly, every time I asked, she already had plans to go. Fantastic! We had the same taste in movies, too! What’s that? And I can come along with her? Well that’s a win-win situation… me surrounded by women! It doesn’t get any better than that!

Yes. Those are almost exactly the thoughts that ran through my teenage head back then. Totally oblivious to the reality of the situation.

To put it bluntly: she really wasn’t that in to me. But she was trying to be nice about it. Which was great.

Except for the fact that I was way too dense to get the hint. My wishful thinking and obsessive habits blinded me to the harsh truth, just as they had in prior years.

And so, more than a couple of times, I paid for dinner for three and bought three movie tickets.

Some of those nights were fun. One time, the friend she miraculously already had plans with was the older sister of a guy in my scout troop. I actually got along better with my troop members sister than I did with the girl I was supposedly on a date with. I can still remember that odd flutter when I ended up holding her hand and locking eyes with her (for oh! such a fleeting instant) at the McDonalds across the street from the movie theater.

(Being the proper sort of gentleman, I put that flutter right out of my mind. Because, after all, I was on a date with someone else. *sigh*)

Some of those nights were not much fun at all. Like the one where lobster was ordered and my supposed date and her friend sat in the row behind me during the movie.

Thankfully, she eventually started dating someone else and my attention shifted onward.

There were other, low-key crushes that were a near constant in my high school career. Being in band, my homeroom and first period class took place in the lower-floor rehearsal space of one wing of the school. That left me plenty of time to just hang out in the hallway after my bus got in. Dozens of people walked past me every day as I held that wall up. At least half of the girls I had, at one time or another, had a crush on.

Many of them were in the band or orchestra.A few were just passing through. Cora was one of the latter. Every morning I’d greet her with a smile and a kind word or two. We never spoke too much outside of those morning greetings, but I was modestly smitten. Never drawn enough to overcome my fears, I never did ask her out.

What I did do was invite her to my graduation party.

She was the only one who wasn’t family who showed up at the beginning and didn’t leave until the end.

And still, it seems, even at the end of my high school career, I was blind to obvious signs.

Tags: crushes, dating, high school, lessons learned, obsession

High school and middle school were tough for me. Or, at least, for the person I was then.

Toughened and nearly defeated by four years of mostly total (“No I will not go out with you. Please go away.”) and partial rejection (“Oh the movies, right, uh, sure I’ll go with you, but my friend is going to come along, too. That’s OK, right?”), I looked forward to nothing more than getting a fresh start somewhere else.

Once I was out and away in a new place (we’ll call it “college”, because it was), I finally had a chance to sort out who I was and, more importantly at the time, who I wasn’t. I went through my baggage and started sorting the useful from the troublesome.

It took about a year, two odd relationships (one actually dating, one… not), a near complete nervous breakdown, and some really good friends for me to really get a handle on things.

At one point, I decided to just have fun with the concept of asking people out. Instead of going in to it thinking “I’m going to get her to go out with me,” I began entering the situation thinking “I’m just going to ask and enjoy the interaction.” It was like diving form the high board–the first step is a bit nerve-wracking, the landing may be rough, but the ride down is something quite impressive.

To say I didn’t care if someone would say “Yes” would be an exaggeration. At least at the beginning. After all, if I wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t bother asking at all–even for entertainment value.

I got into habits of asking people out. Often the same people. Often frequently.

There was an entire table of girls I would ask out every Friday. I knew all of them, they were all part of the same organization other friends of mine were in (for those keeping score, it was InterVarsity Christian Fellowship… my tastes run wide and are varied) and, by the third or fourth week, they were ready with their answers when they saw me coming.

The answer,  sometimes in unison, was usually “No.” Usually, but not always. I got at least one honest to goodness date out of that and, if I recall correctly, someone still owes me a night at the movies.

The key was to go in with  little to no expectation of getting an actual date. The whole process of asking people out become more fun for all involved. They knew saying “No” wouldn’t hurt my feelings or disrupt our friendships and that, if they changed their minds, I’d be back next week. I knew that they’d start smiling when I showed up, that I entertained them, at least a little and could brighten their day.

Experiences like that opened  a lot of doors for me.

Some of those doors were external–more interesting friendships, introductions to new people, a slowly growing reputation as a decent and fun person. All quite useful and very different than what I had been used to.

Others were internal–I gained the ability to separate my wants from the reality around me, I learned how to take pleasure from just the excitement of possibility, I became more comfortable with myself.

Sure, there were still more than a few women I fell for so completely that I was a mess for hours before and after I’d see them. Yes, more than once did I really care if the person would say “Yes” or not. But when the noise in my head would get bad, I’d just remind myself that what I want may not be what they want.

A relationship isn’t about “me” or “you.” It’s about “us.” If our wants and needs don’t match, things are going to be rocky or maybe not at all. It’s a simple fact. There’s no sense in getting bent out of shape about it. Better to just accept it and move on.

Simple facts, simple words, simple ideas–very difficult execution.

We are emotional and often irrational creatures. I continue to be reminded of that every day. But we have control over what we do and we can learn to choose what we take away from different situations.

Falling for someone is easy and exhillerating. Taking control of that and doing something with it, well, that’s like diving–once you jump, enjoy the ride. It can only end three ways: you nail the ending, sliding gracefully into the water; something goes wrong and you hit the water hard, ending up in considerable pain; or you manage to miss the ground entirely, continuing the joy of the journey no matter what.

That last option… that’s what being happy with yourself allows. That’s how you can crush without being crushed.

Tags: college, crushes, dating, expectations, lessons, relationships

As of just a few days ago, I have been officially single for an even decade.

When I mention that in passing, many people look at me incredulously and ask how I can be alone for that long.

The simple answer (which leaves many just confused) is that I’m not alone and haven’t been alone. Just single.

In that time I’ve been on a grand total of two or three dates (depending on how generous you want to be with the definition of “date”), most of them just a few months ago. Other than the kiss at the end of the second recent date, there’s been nothing. No canoodling, no cuddling, no make out sessions and most certainly no sex.

When this all comes up, people get even more suspicious. “Surely there must have been something!” they say.

Nope. When I’m single, I’m single all the way. Just like when I actually date, I go all in with that, too.

Everything else is Friendship and Crushes.

So how have I managed it?

That’s pretty simple: I haven’t bothered to ask people out. It’s not that amazing to realize that if you don’t ask people out, they won’t be going out with you.

The real question that should be asked is: Why?

That answer is nowhere near as simple.

It started out as just a matter of circumstance. Back in my home town, especially when I first returned to single status shortly after I moved back after five years of college, there were two factors. The first was that I wasn’t planning on staying there all that long. No need or desire to get attached only to have to deal with long distance, heart breaking or attempting to drag her with me wherever I ended up going.

The second factor was a distinct lack of interest. My dating “luck” growing up was, at best, mediocre. At worst, the stuff of farcical comedy. I had no interest in re-living the worst of those moments. I also had no real romantic interest in anyone I knew who was still in town. Most of the people I had been interested in had long ago moved away… those who hadn’t, I found I had (generally) had little in common with.

Over the first five years, things would get a little rough every now and then. It was during those times that I would have told you just how alone I was. My social life was generally non-existant without an hour and a half of driving each way. I had no privacy. And, even if I had been making decent money, there was nowhere to spend it except the local bars–and I don’t drink.

Near the end of that time, thanks to reconnecting with some genuine old friends (yes, at one point or another I did, indeed, have a crush on the female ones), things got better.

That was when the difference between wants and needs became clear to me.

While what I may have wanted was to indulge my inner hopeless romantic, it wasn’t what I needed. If it had been, I would have been trolling the local bars looking for women to woo.

What I needed was relationships. Not necessarily romantic ones, just people I could relate to.

I found them in spades during the second half of the decade.

I’ve been very lucky that I get everything I need and most of what I want out of normal platonic relationships. My friendships run deep and solid. Those who are just acquaintences fill in gaps in the social mesh I’m wrapped in–exposing me to new things, teaching me, learning from me, growing into Friends.

But still, there is the call of Romance.

It’s just not strong enough, usually, to make me bother.

And so, I crush.

For a decade, that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing.

I’m really OK with that. (No matter how much other believe that’s impossible.)

However, I’m also open to change.

My sense of self is strong enough and stable enough that I know full well I can be content, if not outright happy, no matter what my romantic statu is. Attached, dating, single–it doesn’t change who I am… just how I express who I am.

As much as I’ve been single, I’ve rarely been alone. Even at the worst, I’ve always had myself and the world around me.

That relationship with oneself is something I don’t think everyone gets. That is the root of every other relationship in our lives.

After all, we’re the only common factor in all those flings and friendships, right?

Tags: dating, relationships, single life