How to Crush Without Being Crushed

When exploring, there are two main things you need: a starting point and a rough idea of what you’re looking to do.

The starting point gives you somewhere to gauge how far you’ve gone. It gives you an anchor point and, in a worst case scenario, a port of sorts to return to.

The rough idea of what you’re looking for gives you the reason to leave that port in the first place. For explorers of old, like Magellan and Columbus, that rough idea was “I want to see what else is out there (and maybe make some cash finding better ways around).” So they set sail into uncharted waters and, along the way, charted them.

While doing that they pushed the limits of reason, of the technology of the time and of themselves and their crew. Some of those limits expanded more easily than others when hit, some of them more painfully and with greater repercussions. Everyone involved–and, soon enough, all of the world–ended up with different limits. And all of those limits were farther from the starting point than when they started.

In our own lives, we all develop limits. There is only so far we comfortably stray from our safe ports–be they physical or mental–before turning around and coming back. Rarely do most venture out in to the uncharted territories, those places on the map labeled only “Here there be dragons.”

But if you’re really interested in growing, in learning about yourself and, ultimately, building better relationships, you have to venture into those dark waters.

Before you do that it helps to know the same two things any other explorer should know: where you’re starting and what you’re hoping to accomplish.

Without the proper preparation, you have little point of reference and may find yourself going endlessly in circles. If you lose sight of where you started, you run deeper and farther into dangerous places that you’re not quite ready for.

The first rule is “Know thyself.”

That is your starting point.

Your goal? Know thyself better.

Yes, that’s a broad and some would say easily achievable goal.

After all, everything we do can teach us a little more about ourselves, right?

Yes, anything can… but most of us don’t bother to learn like that. We learn best when put in more extreme situations.

We discover the most about ourselves when we push ourselves (or, in some cases, are pushed) to our current personal limits. One nudge beyond that, one step over that line we could see so clearly from where we once stood, and we are out of our comfort zone and in completely new territory.

Once you’re in that new space, you may find it’s not as bad as you imagined. More importantly, you’ll have not only learned something about yourself, you’ll have tested that knowledge and taken action with it.

The second rule is: Knowledge that is not tested, is not proven.

When exploring your own personal limits, engage in deep thinking and thought experiments. Role play different scenarios, either alone or with trusted friends. Discuss things. But, when given the chance, act on what you know.

You will, without a doubt, discover some limits that you can’t–or won’t choose to–push. That’s OK. Those are important limits. They mark end points, and end points can be almost as important as yours tarting point. The more you find, the better defined your map of yourself becomes.

But if endpoints are important, why not choose one from the beginning? Why not work toward a specific goal instead of the more general one?

You can do that.

In doing so, though, you run the risk of forgetting to pay attention to the journey and the opportunities it provides. By going after one goal, you may miss out on other, unexpected and equally important discoveries.

No matter what, you will end up in a different place from where you began–a new starting point for your next adventure in self exploration.

Tags: growth, limits, self exploration

At one point or another, you’re going to have a crush that goes from light and fun to downright dark and destructive.

It happens to the best of us, no matter how well we know ourselves, no matter how hard we try to keep it form happening. It’s just part of the process.

The important thing is to, in those moments of clarity that always pop up in such a situation, to be able to recognize you’ve crossed a line. Once you’re aware of that, then you can pull yourself back before you get totally squished by an obsessive crush.

Here’s seven warning signs to look for.

1. You think about the object of your crush all the time.

Obsession is one of those things that sneaks up on you. If you’re not aware of your own normal patterns, you may not notice it at all. But if you do pay attention to where your mind wanders, you should be able to catch it drifting again and again to the same person. The tricky thing here is that there’s a fine line between fond daydreams and obsessive thoughts. Know where that line lies for you and, if you feel you’re crossing it, stop yourself.

2. Your crush starts to get in the way of your everyday life.

When you start to seriously change your patterns of behavior just to catch a glimpse of the object of your affection, you could be in trouble. If those pattern changes get in the way of your job or interactions with friends or family, you’re crossing into a danger zone. Rein in your obsession before it takes a chunk out of your life and livelihood.

3. You find yourself doing things you swore you would never do.

Sending five e-mails to the same person in a row. Incessantly calling and hanging up. Staying up all night in your car, parked across from her apartment building. Yeah, things like that. Things you once looked at and said “Gee, that’s ridiculous!” Check yourself and your actions. Have you become that creepy character you used to make fun of in movies?

4. You’re not working to mesh fantasy and reality.

Even if you do start slipping into all three of the things mentioned above, it can still be OK and part of the normal progression from crush to relationship. The key to that? Making an effort to reconcile the fantasy you have going on with what actually is. If you’re working up the nerve to talk to your crush, it’s OK to balk a few times. But if it becomes a constant thing, or you lose sight of where that line is between fantasy and reality (see below), you’re in trouble.

5. If asked, the object of your crush would either not know you or be afraid of you.

Part of moving from fantasy to reality is actually interacting in a productive way with the object of your crush. If he or she doesn’t know who you are or–even worse–is being totally creeped out by what you’ve been doing, stop and give him or her some space. If you haven’t crossed the line into obsessive stalker territory, this shouldn’t be much of a problem. A little time and breathing room can go a long way to clearing up misconceptions. Most of the time.

6. Your friends have told you you’re taking things too far.

The simple fact of the matter is that we’re often blind to our own actions. Even if you’ve spent years getting to know yourself, there’s always something you can’t see. This is where your friends become important. Good friends will let you know when you cross lines. Great friends will go out of their way to pull you back into safe and sane territory. If you’re keeping your crush and what you do in relation to that crush a secret from even your closest friends, you’re treading on dangerous ground and may already be in a very bad place. If you’re not sure, get a second opinion from someone you trust.

7. You can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

If someone asks if you have girlfriend and you say “Yes” and start telling stories about all the dates you’ve been on, the person you name should be able to corroborate those stories. If they can’t you’re either lying on purpose to the person asking or you’ve lost your grasp on reality and gotten stuck in a fantasy world. Chances are you won’t realize this. If you’ve made it this far into destructive crush territory, it may take some serious intervention (and a whole lot of trouble) to get back on the right side of the fence. Depending on how far astray you’ve wandered, there may be legal action that happens (restraining orders are not good things, being picked up for attempted murder due to imagined jealousy is even worse). It is much easier to not let things get to this point.

Crushes are wonderful and useful things, but they can also lull you into a fantasy life that has no real connection to the rest of the world. Keep at least one foot on the ground at all times, no matter how high in the clouds your head may be and you’ll be able to avoid the worst of the problems above. Be open and honest with yourself and those around you and you won’t have to do that alone.

Tags: lists

Most weekends, I head out with friends to a bar or a dance club. I go because I thoroughly enjoy it. It’s a chance to be social, a chance to meet new people and a chance to be reminded of things that are easy to forget between the week-day rush of work and the lull of time at home.

One thing that I’ve been reminded of more than a few times lately is that I was never properly socialized to really interact out on the dance floor.

Back in high school, when a lot of people were getting their groove on, I was still smarting from a crush gone bad from the previous three years. Dances brought with them a lot of bad memories. More importantly, I had more than secured my position as a social outcast among many of my peers. After a couple of snubs, I reserved myself to enjoying what I could by myself.

So, I never learned to dance, let alone dance with someone else. I was uncomfortable with my body in just about every way possible. I had convinced myself that everyone else must be equally uncomfortable with me.

In later years, that old habit of just being on my own would prove one of the hardest to break. I still find myself falling back into it.

Especially out on the dance floor.

For the past fifteen years or so, I’ve actively and passively studied how people interact with one another in numerous situations. When I’m out I can pick out a guy who’s interested in a certain girl at 20 paces. I can just as easily pick out a girl who’s trying to get a guy’s attention.

Except, of course, if that guy is me.

If it’s me, I’m blind and dumb until well after the fact. And, if by some miracle, a moment of clarity happens and I do realize it, I have no automatic reaction to rely on. Instead, I have to run through everything I know about interaction in my head and then pick the proper course of action.

Invariably, this misses that key moment when a move could be made.

Luckily, I’m not all that interested in making moves in the traditional sense. It still bothers me that I miss chances to meet new people, though. It bothers me even more that it’s a habit I haven’t been able to break.

We all have patterns we follow. As we grow, some of those patterns change on their own. Other patterns don’t change unless we recognize them and work to change them. Both parts of that can be terribly difficult.

A few weeks ago, while I was out at a local venue, bopping around to the music, a lovely young lady repeatedly moved back and forth through the space I was occupying. The first few times, I didn’t think anything of it at all. The next few times, I noticed that she kept glancing at me not just as she went by, but at other times when she was a short distance away.

Eventually, she was there in front of me, moving in a similar pattern to the sad excuse for “dancing” that I usual perpetrate upon the world. We smiled at one another. Laughed at the ridiculousness of what I was doing. Then she started in with some small talk.

And that’s where it all kind of fell apart.

See, aside from the lag time in realizing that someone may actually be interested in dancing with me there’s another part to that old habit of mine: I just don’t relate well to people I don’t know well in a dance-floor setting. Part of it is because it’s very difficult to hear some people with the music thump-thump-thumping along. Part of it is because I don’t know if they can hear me. And the bulk of it is just a plain old lack of experience back when my patterns were being formed.

She threw out some words with a sly grin. I answered them quickly and kind of dryly (because my brain was still thinking they were actual questions that needed answers and wanted those answers to be heard). There was an awkward pause or three. And she excused herself, never to bee seen again.

It wasn’t until much later that I fully realized just how much I had blown her off.

What would the correct response have been?

Well, for starters, I probably should have introduced myself at some point. That’s another thing I often forget to do. It comes from a lot of years when it didn’t make a difference who I was (at first because no one cared in a negative way–they didn’t really want much to do with me–then because no one cared in a positive way–they knew we’d run into one another again soon anyway).

Right there I sabotaged my chance to make a new friend.

Whether you’re looking for some “fun” or you’re “just” looking to meet new people, making some interaction habit–and breaking out of old habits that isolate you–is a major thing.

I’m getting better. Through looking back on interactions like the one above, I see where my shortcomings are. Through watching others go through similar motions, I see how it’s normally done. And, finally, thought putting myself back in similar situations (no matter how awkward I feel in them), I begin to break the old habit, little by little.

Since one of the key steps in fully realizing a grown up crush is making that leap from fantasy to reality–actually getting to know the object of your crush as a person–there’s no getting around some amount of social interaction.

To do that, some of us have a lot more bad habits to overcome than others.

But if we work at it, we can change for the better.

And our lives will be better for it.

Tags: dancing, interaction, meeting people, self confidence

The first Super Bowl party I was ever invited to happened when I was in high school.

The invitation itself was a surprise. The geniality of the other people there–people who generally didn’t have a lot to do with me in school–was even more surprising. I don’t remember who played, let alone who won the big game, but I remember having a good time.

I had a good time because there were different rules involved. Rules so different from what governed normal interactions in school that who I was didn’t make as much of a difference. It was a small group, most of whom I knew from other non-school venues (like church). It was at someone’s house (so there was no chance of uncontrolled viewing). And, perhaps above all else, it was the Super Bowl–one of those big-deal events that lends itself to the blurring of most lines of division (other than those among fans of the opposing teams, at least).

Every playing field has different rules. Those of the classroom were different from those of the lunchroom. Those of the school were different from those of the community in general. And those of the Super Bowl party were different from everything else.

The key to fitting in in different situations is to know the rules for that playing field and playing by them. I’m constantly reminded that it’s the second part of that key that makes the big difference. After all, I’ve known a lot of sets of rules for different situations for a long time. I just choose to not play by them sometimes.

Fitting in isn’t the important thing pop culture and politics try to tell us it is. Without a doubt, it can be useful and affirming. But it can also very easily become and end in and of itself. When that happens, personal growth becomes stunted and we stand the chance of losing ourselves in the name of our pursuit.

I agreed to go to that long-ago Super Bowl party for two reasons. First, it was being hosted by a girl I had a good sized crush on (not that rare of an occurrance). Second, she actually invited me (a rare thing back then). There were times I wanted desperately to fit in, this party was almost one of them.

Once at it, though, I learned that, because the rules were different, I didn’t have to make an effort to fit in.

Even though I didn’t make the connection at the time, looking back situations like that–ones where we don’t have to strain who we are in order to fit in–are the ones we should seek out most during our developing years. For me, that didn’t happen and I spent a good deal of time miserable and confused.

We’re all cut out to be good in different situations. It may take us some time to find those situations. And even when we find them, there may still be some work involved to smooth out the rough edges. Without question there will be places where you feel more at home and others where you won’t. Using that as a baseline guide, you can begin to figure yourself out.

It really is all a big game. And just like a professional athlete, we’re always learning the play book and making notes on the field conditions and the other teams. The difference between football and fitting in, though, is that with the latter everyone can come out a winner.

Why? Because when you really get down to it, we’re all on the same team.

Back in high school, very, very few people have any clue where they fit in. That’s why it’s so divisive. We were all lost and funbling around.

For a few hours, and with the help of a few pizzas and some wings, anyone can feel like they belong.

Once you’ve felt that once, you kind of spend the rest of your life trying to feel it gain.

And that is an attainable goal.

Tags: self-discovery, superbowl

May of this year marks fifteen years since my high school graduation.

As anyone who even casually reads here knows, high school played a large role in setting the groundwork for who I am now. That all became very clear to me when the ten year mark was rolling around and I got involved in the planning of that reunion.

Well, that plan didn’t quite execute and here we are five years later, trying again.

For me, high school sucked. A lot. I was obsessed with relationships I wouldn’t ever do anything about. I secured my space as a social outcast by refusing to play by the standard rules. And I had the youthful audacity to blame my unhappiness on the world at large instead of my own choices.

If it was such a horrible time, you may ask, then why do you want to relive it?

Why? Because I firmly believe that only by facing our own shortcomings of the past–only by learning from those mistakes and remembering the lessons learned way back when–can we fully be ourselves now.

Over the last year or so, as I went back through an old hand-written journal or two from those dark high school days of the early 90s, I was reminded of many things I had let slip through the cracks of depression. There were good times back then, I just chose to remember the bad ones. Without a doubt, that gave me fuel for change, but the change it created was flawed and had trouble sticking.

Most of those skewed memories involved relationships, be they pining, one-sided, romantic ones or vibrant platonic ones. In the past decade and a half I’ve come to terms with a lot of that and become a happier person because of it.

One of the greatest joys has been reconnecting with those old crushes and seeing how their lives have turned out. Talking with them about the “not-so-good old days” is empowering. I have a chance to finally tell them what I wanted to say all those years ago.

“You know, back in high school, I had a huge crush on you.” Or, “You were one of the few bright spots in those dark days, thank you.”

It’s empowering. Perhaps more importantly, it’s allowing me to clear up a lot of fog in my own head… allowing me to see just how far I’ve come.

And I’m not the only one who’s come a long way. Just about everyone I’ve spoken with from that long ago and far away land of High School has grown into themselves. Sure, some are happier than others, and some, unfortunately, have fallen on hard times they could never have imagined fifteen years ago, but on average things are good.

They’re all still pretty recognizable, though. If not in face and body, then in attitude and presentation. Some things don’t change much, it seems.

Our core self is prepped in those formative high school years. They are the last time we share a common setting with a large group of our peers. The last time we regularly interact with the people we grew up with.

Love it or hate it, there’s no denying it was an important time for each of us.

It’s where we learned the rules and consequences of social interaction. It’s where we first loved and lost.

Where we first began to be ourselves.

So, here I am, fifteen years out and still learning from the experiences of those four years.

I think we can all learn a lot by taking some time, every now and then, and looking back.

At the absolute least, it lets us know that, if we’ve made it this far, we can probably keep going a bit more.

Tags: firsts