In some of the things you’ll read here, I talk about balance and equality in relationships.
Even if what the individuals involved are contributing different things to the relationship, those contributions should be equitable. If one is putting in a lot more than the other, that can throw off the balance of a relationship and send things trending toward a bad end–or, at least, a need for all involved to reevaluate the relationship and take action to correct any issues caused by that inequality.
Before you get to an actual relationship, though, you should have a good idea of what you’re bringing to the table and how much of what you have you’re willing and able to give.
Examining your crushes is a one way to do this.
In your imagined relationships, what part do you play? Are you the “good guy”, protecting and providing for the object of your crush? Are you the “bad boy”, taking what you want? Are you some sort of royalty, being doted upon?
Any of these and more are possibilities. All are relatively common archetypes.
Once you’ve narrowed down the archetype that the imaginary you embodies, take the next step and ask “Why?”
Are you the “good guy” because of habit? Because of fear of offending the object of your crush? Because of a genuine desire to be like that?
Are you the “bad boy” because you’re often walked all over in the real world? Because you have a natural mean streak? Because you think you deserve to get what you want?
Are you the king because that’s how people treat you normally? Because you fell you’re better than those around you? Because it’s how you’ve always wanted to be treated?
How does that fantasy you differ from the every day you? Are you working toward becoming that currently imaginary version of yourself? Have you behaved that way before? How did it feel?
Now look at the disparity between the imaginary you and the day-to-day you. How wide of a gap is there? If you can be a real-life version of that imaginary you, how long can you keep it up? How does it affect other areas of your life?
The big question, of course, is what do you bring to the relationship table? If you see that you’re not even close to being the person you imagine in your relationship fantasies, that imaginary relationship most certainly is not going to play out the same in the real world. If you can be that person, but only in short, controlled bursts or at great cost to other areas of your life, it may not be a good idea to pursue the relationship in the real world right now.
But, if your fantasy relationship you is in line with the real you, things are looking good.
Write down your answers and observations. Over time, you’ll be able to track your own progress–either in making yourself into the person you imagine yourself to be or in bringing your fantasy relationship version of yourself more in line with who you actually are right now.
Of course, our visions of ourselves aren’t the only thing we bring to the table… but we’ll talk more about some of those other things next.