How to Crush Without Being Crushed

Tra la! It’s May!
The lusty month of May!
That lovely month when ev’ryone goes
Blissfully astray.
Tra la! It’s here!
That shocking time of year
When tons of wicked little thoughts
Merrily appear!

So goes one of the songs from Camelot, the musical version of a section of the Arthurian Legends so well-known and the root of many a romantic notion.

May is definitely the time when nature comes alive and gets all sorts of frisky. Not in the way that we celebrate on Valentine’s Day, but in a more natural and carnal way. The winter is over. The air is warm and the weather is finally settling down a bit. Things are alive again.

And that’s when libido kicks up a notch.

This, in and of itself, isn’t a problem. But as anyone who’s been out to a local bar on a Saturday night will be able to tell you just how much of an idiot a guy thinking with his “dumb stick” can be.

That drop in intelligence isn’t limited to the males of the human species. I’ve seen women get just as worked up and just as blind to the more sensible things around them.

Before I get misunderstood, let me just say that I think sex is a good thing–in moderation. I’m all for recreational sex (as long as it’s done safely and everyone is willing) and I firmly believe that it can be one of the most beautiful expressions of Love between two people.

But we live in a culture (at least here in the U.S.) with oddly Puritanical values. Sex is, at best, ignored and, at worst, demonized. Thankfully, that’s changing, but the current waves of change go quite a bit to the opposite extreme, removing all meaning (and understanding) of sex from the equation. Neither extreme is a good place to be.

Yet, a number of relationships are based on sex. Many more get started because of sex. Some end because of sex (or, more frequently, lack of sex).

There’s no question that there is a strong biological imperative to reproduce. It’s how the species keeps on keeping on. But we supplant many of our biological predispositions. And, let’s face it, when done correctly, sex is a whole lot of fun.

Fun is a good thing to get out of a relationship. In fact, any relationship that doesn’t have a good dose of fun in it is most likely doomed (or should be for the sake of the people in it). There needs to be something more, though, to make a relationship work. That’s why so many relationships based purely on sex fade with time.

As I said before, there can be casual sexual relationships with little problem. But in order for them to go that smoothly, all people involved need to be comfortable with who they are and they all have to understand that the “relationship” is just about the fun. Even with all of that made clear, our deep need for intimate relationships can very quickly change that balance and send one member of the arrangement into a much deeper emotional place than others.

In other words, it takes a very self aware, grown-up person to have a successful sex only relationship.

At least that’s what it takes to have a long-term successful arrangement like that.

More emotional pain and suffering is caused by our obsession with sex than just about any other part of our relationship lives. Either pining for it or regretting it.

This is even more true for those who aren’t built for sex. That’s not to say they can’t perform. It’s just that some people are much more emotionally focused than others. Some people need the deeper parts of a relationship. And they need their partner to feel the same way.

As with most things in relationships, the part that sex plays in the scheme of things is all about balance. That balance is different for everyone. Where your needs balance in that system is something you have to discover for yourself. You can do that either by trial and error in relationships (they way most people out there do it) or through the utilizing the Grown Up Crush.

Yeah, sex is important. And right about now, we’re all feeling our biological urges. But to act without knowing why–or worse, to act for reasons that you know will leave only pain in their wake–is a recipe for disaster.

To give of yourself, you must know yourself. For best results, give to another who can match your gift.

Tags: sex

I don’t know how many of you watched (or remember) Ed.

It was a show about a New York lawyer (Ed, played by Tom Cavanagh) who came home one day to find his wife in bed with the mailman. This being TV, he packed up and moved back to his old home town. Once there he discovered two things. First, that the local bowling alley (his favorite place to hang out growing up) was for sale. Second, that a good bunch of the old gang (including his high school crush) were still in town.

From that point on, as TV shows go, hilarity ensued. He became “the bowling alley lawyer” (that would be a lawyer who works out of a bowling alley) and had no shortage of quirky cases. He fell back into old patters with his old friends (sophomoric humor abounded). Most importantly (at least in the context of this blog), he decided to pursue his high school crush, Carol Vessey (played by Julie Bowen).

Needless to say, I loved this show. Mostly because I could relate to Ed and his young counterpart Warren (played by the Mac… I mean Justin Long) who was still in high school and fumbling his way through the dating world.

Without fail, Ed would come up with some utterly romantic and totally hair-brained scheme to get Carol to notice him. Like most of us, he had grown up on all the romantic notions of knights in shining armor and heroes on horseback, suave Casanovas and leather-clad bad boys.

I bought into that for a long time. In many ways, I still do. Most of us have some sort of typical romantic fantasy–either as the rescuer or rescuee, as the underdog who makes good or the hooker with the heart of gold–that gets our imaginations (and other things) flowing. I’ve got a lot of those running around in my head. Ed, in the course of the four seasons of the show, managed to hit on most of them.

But Ed had something going for him that most of us don’t. He was a character in a prime-time television show. Everyone who’s ever seen anything on TV knew that he would (at least for a little while) get together with Carol. It was scripted and written. It followed the standard rules of entertainment–the same rules that gave us all those romantic notions to begin with.

We’re not characters in a well-scripted TV show. Romance doesn’t always turn out the way we hope (and, in my experience, it rarely even turns out the way we imagine it will–good or bad). We’re not guarantied to get the girl (or the guy). In fact, if you look around honestly, you’re going to fail more often than not.

And yet, we still try.

No matter what, many of us are so steeped in those romantic notions that we act on them. With a show like Ed, we’re reminded of the humor of it all. For a while, we can laugh about it.

But that ability to laugh it off when it goes wrong doesn’t always work.

Failure after failure, some deep-seated negativity builds up and, before long, we can feel like we isolated. Trapped and alone in some cold dark place.

That’s when the true lesson of the show–and of real Love–comes through.

The reason two characters end up falling for one another (in a well-written show, at least) isn’t because one finally convinces the other that they feel the same way about each other. It’s because one realizes that they feel the same way. The distinction may be missed by many, but it is an important one.

There is nothing we can do to convince someone to love us in a romantic way. You can dress up in all the suits of armor and ride as many white horses while carrying a gross of roses, unless there’s that spark deep down inside of them, anything you do get will be transitory at best. Even worse, after the rush of the challenge wears off, it may be you who discovers there’s nothing more there.

So there you are, your romantic notions smashed. Your heart broken. Alone. In the dark. What do you do?

Well, you could wallow and fade away, become bitter and swear off members of the opposite sex forever. But there’s no fun in that at all. Or you could take the time to look back on things–just like you would look at a crush if you were doing it the Grown Up Crush way.

There is only one thing that brings people together for the long run. That thing is Love and it starts deep within you. During those dark and lonely times, it may be hard to remember that. It may seem impossible to give a damn about yourself if no one else seems to. But that’s what you have to do. That’s the flame that will bring the embers of that other certain someone’s heart into full bloom.

Yeah, I still harbor a lot of romantic fantasies. But I know they won’t work with just anyone. I know because, like Ed, I tried more than a few times to make them work. When they didn’t, I ended up in that dark place, but I pulled myself out of it.

I realized that the real truth of it is, no mater how well-polished your armor, it won’t shine in the dark. To get that sparkle, there has to be some light in that night. Where does it come from? It comes from inside you.

That’s what gives the armor its shine, the horse its sheen and the roses their fragrance.

Love and love honestly–starting with yourself–and romance will work itself out.

Many people out there get into the habit of dating in high school.

After all, that’s when we first have the time and inclination to really interact with the opposite sex to any extent. That’s when all those hormones get pumping and we start to feel all sorts of tingly in all sorts of places. And, perhaps most influentially, that’s when all those people in the movies and on TV start the whole dating thing.

It’s just what we’re supposed to do, right?

Sure. Except dating doesn’t work all that well for everyone. I’d go as far to say that dating doesn’t work all that well for most people. Just look around at your friends. How many have been in one bad relationship after another? How many can’t stand to be single for any length of time? How many keep repeating old mistakes?

Or maybe you’re someone like me. Dating never worked out all that well for me. Especially in high school. Yeah, I went on dates. I can even say I went on dates with two women at once and smile, knowingly, while you gape in awe. But when I tell the whole story, you’ll see that’s not quite what it seems it could be.

In high school, fueled by years of classic movies and television, propelled forward by my own turbulent inner urges, every now and then I’d actually get around to asking someone out. Every time, of course, it was someone I had a crush on. The high time of my dating career was in my junior year.

Back then, there was one girl in particular that I asked out more than a handful of times. Her name was Dee. She was a couple of years younger and she was pretty darn neat by my standards. Over the time we knew each other, I found out she played the violin, was a semi-pro ice skater, intelligent and downright spunky. She was also tall with long, thick, wavy hair and sparkling brown eyes that virtually glowed when she smiled.

Yeah, I was hooked right away.

I asked her out more than a few times. For me, that was a big step. Even more impressive was the fact that she said yes half the time.

Of course, with every affirmative answer, there were caveats.

Usually they were along the lines of “Sure, a movie sounds great. In fact my friend and I were already going. That’s OK, right?”

Always, I said “Yeah, it is” with a big, dumb, self-satisfied grin on my face.

And, always, I’d somehow end up paying for three dinners and three movie tickets.

At least once the girls sat a row ahead of me at the movie and didn’t talk to me much at all the whole night.

Obviously, I was way too dumb and blind to be dating. None of that even struck me as all that wrong back then. If it had, I would most certainly have stopped. Or, maybe, insisted on a normal date for once.

Not to say those times weren’t fun. They most certainly were. But they really stretch the definition of “date” to the breaking point?

But why did I do that? Why did I let that happen?

The answer is simple: Because I didn’t know any better.

Back then, I didn’t know what I was worth as a person. I was just starting to discover who I really was and still hadn’t even begun to actually like myself. And if you don’t like yourself, no one else is going to really like–or respect–you. More often than not, they’ll just use you.

So, over time, I turned away from dating. The dates I have been on have, for the most part, been comical examples of bad timing.

When you don’t date, you have time to really think about things. Time to sit back and actually watch what’s going on. Time to focus on getting to know yourself. All of that time and knowledge can then be put into a Grown Up Crush regime of self-development.

What does that mean, though?

Basically, it means that you can learn to avoid the common dating mistakes–and the unnecessary pain and suffering they cause–by taking care of your most important relationship first. That would be your relationship with yourself.

If you’re comfortable with yourself, you will be able to more easily interact with others on multiple levels. You won’t be limited–or blinded–by those amorphous base drives that throw so many high school relationships into chaos. If you are happy with who you are, if you are your own best friend, you will be able to be a whole person whether you are dating someone or not.

Most importantly, after a few years of working through Grown-Up Crushes, you’ll have a solid group of diverse friends around that will both bring you into contact with amazing new people (who are often great choices for either a new crush or, if you’re ready for it, actually dating) and be there to help pick you up if things don’t work out with a potential significant other.

I was never good at dating in high school. I’m still not that good at dating. But I am relatively good with relationships. When you really get down to it, your romantic life can be about quality instead of quantity. Mine has, and I’m at least as happy as friends of mine who’ve been dating consistently for years.

Both ways work–and I am certain there are other ways than just those two. There’s no amount of cultural pressure that should keep you from following the path that works best for you.

When I was in high school, every year at about this time the business club would hand out a bunch of surveys in homeroom. Those would be collected and, when Valentine’s Day rolled around, for a couple of bucks you’d be able to pick up a “Computer Dating Fun” sheet from the school store in the cafeteria. That sheet would have on it ten names of school mates of the opposite sex, printed on the then state-of-the-art dot matrix printer of some out of state company. Each of those names, in descending order, was someone more or less compatible with you.

Most of the time, it was good for a laugh. Other times it was food for thought. For a year or two it was a source of phone numbers (I’m guessing that got discontinued as soon as someone complained or was only done accidentally to begin with).

Without fail, every year, I bought it.

When we’re teenagers we think we understand Love. We fall in it readily and pine for it and scream about it to the stars. With out hormone riddled bodies and still settling minds, we don’t realize how simple–and how complex–Love actually is.

Love isn’t something that’s quantifiable. Love isn’t something that’s even logical in many cases. Trying to reduce it to such cheapens it and gives us false understanding.

Love is tangled in our culture with Romance and Passion and any number of other things. Sometimes it gets so muddled that we mistake those other things for Love proper. Sometimes we believe that Love is one of those other things.

The truth is, there is one time in our lives when we have a full and complete understanding of Love. That time is from when we’re born until shortly before we begin to develop the ability to think coherently and communicate. That transition, from a state of being into a state of thinking forever alters our ability to understand Love.

Not that we ever stop trying.

Very often, though, we get caught up in the sidelines and pretenses.

We get stuck on the idea that the hot-burning Romance that matches with what we’ve seen in movies is what Love is supposed to be like. We forget that Love is an unconditional thing that more often smolders quietly, keeping us warm long into the darkest of our nights. A little stoking and those good oak embers can be brought to flame, giving light in the darkness as well as heat.

Not that Romance and Passion don’t have their place. Many a long-burning fire is list with the flash and bang of quick, bright burning. There has to be good fuel beneath that kindling. Without it, you just end up with cold, bitter ashes.

When things don’t go well–when that bright and shining relationship burns out and leaves us burned–we focus too long on those ashes. We get caught up on the fresh burns from playing in that so recently gone fire. We forget that it was fun while it lasted. We forget that there was no lasting foundation built before it was lit.

A good relationship is based on common ground. That’s what programs like the Computer Dating Fun lists I have from high school specialize in. It’s easy to find common ground (as long as people are mostly honest). In the fast-paced, high-pressure and ever-changing world we can forget that.

Let me say it again: A good relationship is based on common ground and it’s easy to find common ground.

That relationship, though, may not be at all the prototypical Romance fueled passion fest you’re hoping for. It  may end up being a long-lasting platonic Friendship (which most people don’t count as a kind of Love–it is).

It may not be what we want.

It may be what we need.

Romances come and go, more often than not. It’s the platonic relationships that can more readily endure. They’re the ones that can grow deep and open our eyes to the possibilities of the world around us.
It is those deep relationships, where Love is given and received with no strings attached, that opens the doors for the most important kind of Love. They can show us how to Love ourselves.
Before deep and lasting Romance can come our way, we have to first cultivate a deep Love of ourselves. Without that most basic foundation, that deepest layer of life-sustaining warmth, everything else is transitory. Sometimes, it takes a little outside spark to get that deep fire going. And just like any good fire, it needs to be fed a little every now and then.

Self-Love shouldn’t be confused with arrogance or a sense that you are perfect as you are. Instead, it should be a recognition of the potential that lies within you and a commitment to work toward realizing that potential. It’s not always easy to start and can often seem to sputter out, but it’s worth it.
That kind of fire can spark all sorts of other things.

Maybe even a real-life torrid romance like you see on TV. Maybe something better and more real.

If it was easy to have a long-lasting Romantic relationship, everyone would be doing it all the time. Without a doubt, they’re fun and gratifying. But we all know it takes more than just being comfortable with yourself and having some things in common with another person for Romance to kick in (let alone for it to last). There’s something extra–something ethereal and unquantifiable that makes it work. No one has found a way to reliably detect that before it happens.

Every type of flame has it’s place. Maybe all you want are those big, bright and quick Passion filled Romances. That’s fine, there are plenty of other people out there looking for that, too. As long as everyone involved is on the same when it comes to the terms of the relationship, party on.

Today is Valentine’s Day. A day we talk a lot about Love. The reality of it is, Love doesn’t actually have a lot to do with Valentine’s Day. Love’s what goes on during the rest of the year when we’re not talking about.

Love is what we do not what we say.

Anything less that living it gets us farther away from the heart of the fire.

Tags: holidays, love

Starting in 6th grade, there wasn’t a single regular school dance that I missed.

The only one I would have missed, they canceled.

For those first three years, I did no dancing at all. I pined away in a dark corner, watching the girl I was infatuated with happily dance away with other guys. Except for that one time I asked someone else to dance. She promptly kicked me in the shins three or four times in rapid succession.

Once in high school, things got moderately better. I was dragged out onto the dance floor by my friend Kerry early on in my high school career. That was my first slow dance. I can still remember awkwardly swaying to Debbie Gibson’s Lost in Your Eyes, not sure at all what I should be doing–where my hands should go, where I should look, should I talk, heck, could I talk…

At those high school dances, I’d bop about a bit. Often making quite the fool out of myself. It was a mixed bag. Most of the time I couldn’t tell if people were making fun of me or genuinely impressed by what I was doing. I’d never say I was a good dancer–and I still don’t–but I could move funny out there like lots of other people.

So I never missed a dance, but very rarely did I ever actually dance with anyone. There was only one dance I can remember that I brought a date to. I have many more memories of trying to psyche myself up to ask girls to dance. I never really did. I’m still no good at that. (I also don’t practice any more.)

That was how the normal dances went (and eventually our “normal” dances were video dance parties more often than not, which, I suppose, is just a fact of going to school in the 90s). Very quickly there became nothing very special at all.

But there were two Big Ones to look forward to: the Proms. My school had two proms. There was the Junior Prom, which was generally held at the school in a decked out cafeteria and run by the (you guessed it) Junior class. Then there was the Senior Prom. Anyone who paid attention in high school (or during movies set in high schools) knows that the Senior Prom is the Holy Grail of dating experiences. It is the last hurrah for the Senior Class an, in my school at least, was often held off school grounds, usually at one of the big restaurants or resort hotels in the area (because there wasn’t a single class that didn’t have some kid of one of the owners of those businesses in my area).

I went to three proms. Unlike other people I know who went to three (sometimes four or more) proms, only two of mine were in my school district.

My Junior Prom wasn’t that impressive. The prep work for the prom, however, was spectacular. And horrible. It all balanced out. The dance itself, though, left a lot to be desired. I went alone. I went so alone that I couldn’t even convince my cheap-ass friends at the time to go in on a limo. My parents dropped me off and picked me up from my Junior Prom. I have one picture from it. Me, standing alone, in the middle of the big garden arch they had set up. It’s not even a good picture. I still wonder why I bothered paying to have it taken.

My Senior Prom is really all a blur. I remember very little of the prom itself. I know it was at one of the big hotels. I vaguely remember the table of people I sat with. I know I danced a couple of songs with friends of mine. And I know I danced at least one with my date. Oh, yeah, I went to the senior prom with someone. I went with a buddy of mine’s fiance. He couldn’t make it at the last minute. I was the “safe date.” I have no pictures from my senior prom. I paid for the pictures, but I’ve never seen them. The girl I went with has them. Or at least she did the last I knew (which was more than a decade ago). My Senior Prom was nothing at all like what I had hoped it would be. Most definitely not a John Hughes-style prom. The day after the prom, however, was quite nice. Lots of fun at Six Flags Great Adventure.

The prom that topped both of those took place eight hours away from my school district in far northwestern New York. That’s the prom I have pictures from (I still carry one in my wallet all the time). That’s the prom where I had a date that was my own. That’s the prom that lasted a whole weekend and was the beginning of a friendship that has lasted for more than a decade. I’ve kept in touch with her through two marriages and one divorce and I’m eagerly awaiting to hear stories of her child being born and growing up. It was a life changing experience for me and I will never forget it…

And I’ll tell the whole story… at the beginning of next week. :)
(Yes, I know, I’m evil… leaving you all hanging… but it’s a long story.)

Tags: firsts