How to Crush Without Being Crushed

Every now and then I get reminded what real Love is.

And every single time I’m surprised that it’s so easy to lose sight of it.

We spend so much of our lives chasing Love. We make fools of ourselves for it. We hurt ourselves and others in the name of it. We grow and celebrate and twist and turn and laugh and cry in pursuit of it.

But oh so rarely do we actually stop and think about what it is.

Too often it’s not until we’ve had it and “lost” it that we wake up and think “Oh! That’s what it’s supposed to be like!”

Even then we don’t quite get it–because we think we’ve lost it.

That right there is the biggest misconception ever.

Real Love isn’t something you can lose.

Real Love is something you give.

We can chase and reach all we want–that won’t get us Love.

But we forget that. We think it’s all about what we get from others. We think we have to receive for it to be good. We think what we should only give our Love when we’re going to get it back.

Most of these misconceptions come from how we’re told things “should” be. As anyone who has taken a minute to think about the matter, few things are ever how we think they “should” be. All of our “shoulds” don’t mean a bit in the face of what is.

When it comes to Love, what is is that we get it only if we give it. When given freely and without expectation, something always comes back our way. Or, even more frequently (and more frequently missed), something else wells up within us.

Without fail, we all forget that inner joy. Instead we quest for the flutter and flame of romance (so much easier to recognize, so much easier to explain to others). We look for that and we call it Love. If we’re lucky, in a moment of fun, we forget we want something in exchange for what we give and real Love slips in.

I know I’m as guilty as anyone of forgetting what real Love is like.

But, every now and then, when I’m out and about, I run into someone I do actually Love. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone I’ve Loved for weeks, months or years, the effect is always the same.

I see them happy and I smile. I smile because that’s all I ever want for someone I really Love–for them to be happy.

Sure, I wish it was me making them happy, but that’s secondary to what is real.

If you Love someone, their happiness is what fills you with joy.

That is where the connection is made.

The best case is that they feel the same way. Then the system feeds itself and you discover something better than Romance. You discover that feeling you’ve been looking for, loud and strong, resonating between you and another person.

More typically, they don’t feel the same way and you feel a bittersweet twinge. The bitter part comes from the unrequited hopes, not the unrequited Love. If you can move past that, you’ll see that the deeper feeling still rings true.

Of course, the only way to get to that point is to practice. I prefer to practice by crushing on people. Right off the top I’m not looking for actual returned feelings. As time passes and I get to know her as a person, though, it becomes easier and easier to separate my hopes from what is.

The actual Love becomes disentangled from the Romance and the weight of expectation and want.

I forget that, sometimes.

But all it ever takes to remind me, is seeing her smile.

Random bits from longer discourses running through my head.

I remember the thought of her more fondly than the reality. From a distance, she was amazing. From a distance, she was all in my imagination. Reality? Not so good. At least I was smart (or lucky) enough to realize it quickly…

There was once a time when I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers gently along your skin. Listening for the quickening of your breath. Waiting for the inevitable tensing… and the relaxing. Watching the hairs on the back of your neck or your arms stand at attention and then quiver beneath my breath. Some days I still want that. Some days it’s still you I want it from…

Old lovers can, indeed, be good friends. Good friends can, indeed, be lovers. Sometimes it’s a question of circumstance, others a question of timing. Mine? Always a bit off…

There is a distinct dread that accompanies the prospect of getting into a romantic relationship. Will she meet my expectations? (Probably… I don’t have a lot.) Will I meet hers? (Ah! Now that’s where the dread enters!)…

People are amazed that I’ve been single for almost nine years. It was the first few that were most difficult, when I was still fresh from a long relationship. There’s nothing quite as hollow as those first few months without someone there. Especially if you’d only been apart from them, at most, a month or so over the previous three years. After the first year or so–especially with the slim pickings I was surrounded by–it gets a lot easier. After year five, those pangs of “want” only come back during special occasions. Really, it’s quite easy at this point…

“Easy” isn’t always “the right thing.” This holds true no matter the situation. Some of the greatest satisfaction–and reward–I’ve received has been from forgoing the “sure thing” and working up to the point where I tripped over the unexpected, hard-to-attain. Ask some and they’d swear I did the impossible once or twice. I don’t think I did. I’m just patient…

Lemons, lemonade, whatever life gives you and what you do with it, sometimes you still get some in a cut and it burns like a sonofabitch…

Unhappiness is normal in any relationship. Constant unhappiness is not. Feelings of fear are a dead on sign you should not be there–even if it’s fear of what you may do to them…

I learned long ago to be careful what I wish for. The Universe has a twisted sense of humor (not unlike the genies that showed up in Twilight Zone episodes or wishes granted by odd shriveled simian appendages). Oh, you’ll get what you ask for all right… and a whole lot more…

If all you think of is “her” then there’s a problem. There’s also a problem if you don’t think of her at all. I’ve been in both places. Neither is fun or easy to get out of…

Crushes can teach you a lot about yourself. So can relationships. Thing is, you have to want to learn and be willing to put the effort in to make either of those classes work for you. Without taking the chance of self-awareness, you’ll be happy, but dull…

What you want and what you need are often very different things that aren’t always compatible. Learn which is which and choose wisely which you focus on…

Being head over heels (in general) is almost like being head over heels (in love). Things keep spinning in odd directions, you find yourself thinking and doing strange things and, before you know it, people are looking at you funny…

Friendship is the most pure and common type of Love. We so seldom recognize it as such because of all the baggage the term “love” brings with it. I blame our language. Other languages have more elegant distinctions than just “I like her” and “I like like her”…

“Like” is a funny term…

So is “auto-erotic asphyxiation.” But I blame that one episode of the X Files for the chuckle I get from that one…

Sometimes, the best person for you is right there in front of you. Sometimes, neither of you realize that. (But everyone else around you most certainly does. Eventually.)…

Related to that last one: We always miss within ourselves what is most obvious to us in other people. Think about that when you’re watching other people.

Tags: introspection

Having grown up on a steady diet of classic movies and old TV shows, I have been programmed to equate fireworks with kissing that special someone.

As a hopeless romantic (no matter how much I try to fight it), I am forever in search of that perfect classic moment.

Needless to say, I still haven’t quite found it.

Growing up, there would be two or three nights of fireworks in early July. If possible, I would try to make it to every one of those Fourth of July celebrations. Each had a flavor of its own and each held a certain promise of chance encounter that could lead, I always hoped, to that elusive concurrence of inner and outer fireworks.

There were the very local fireworks at the Beach (the very generic name for the relatively generic and long nondescript man-made lake at the center of my home subdivision of town). This was back before fireworks were illegal, so a good number of people would bring a good number of things you’d be hard-pressed to find in most places these days. There were pinwheels and roman candles, tons of sparklers and at least a gross of bottle rockets. In later years, as the laws changed, things got a little more professional (out of necessity), and never quite compared to that oh-so-rural charm of the early years.

July marked the definite beginning of the summer season in my little town. The fireworks at the Beach were the second big event where you could hope to run into all the seasonal residents, fresh in from New York City or other points south. Among that crowd were a handful of kids my age and among that handful, more than a couple who I long lusted after. They were summer crushes, but those fantasies returned year after year, well into high school.

The other set of local fireworks were the official town ones. They went on near the town center, launched from the end of a dock in another lake (this one distinctly natural and quirky in its own way). The state boat launch and the streets around the lake were always packed with people. Again, many summer residents would be there, people who had not been seen for nine long, cold, months. These being the official fireworks, there was also a greater chance of running into people from my school who lived outside of my little sub-division. Again, a plethora of crushes, seasonal and non.

Finally, there was the big set of fireworks. They happened at the race track. My family and I would usually go early and catch the last race or three. Sometimes, we’d put a couple of dollars down on a horse. I don’t think we ever won. I never paid much attention, I was always too busy looking for people I knew so I could have an excuse to detach myself from my family. Being located in the county center, this fireworks display brought in the largest number of people. Without fail, there would be people from my school there. Usually one or two of them would be girls I had crushes on.

Over the years, none of those nights yielded that fleeting perfect moment I was so hoping for. I would watch the dark shapes in the crowd, waiting for the bloom of the fireworks to illuminate the upturned faces. I would strain to discern who was who and hope–oh! would I hope–that one would be looking back at me.

If our eyes could only meet in that instant, I thought, the rest would fall into place…

Not once did anything even close to that happen. In fact, I think I ended up spending more Fourth of July fireworks displays alone than anything else.

All of that hoping, all of that anxiety and planning and preoccupation with those media-induced longings for impossible perfection blinded me to the more simple and available pleasures. All of that time I spent watching the crowd in the slow motion strobe, I missed the beauty that was providing that light. Every moment I spent thinking “I wonder if she’ll notice me here,” I missed the obvious solution of going over and just saying hello.

By the time I graduated high school, I almost despised fireworks.

But with time and new experiences, I got my priorities straight.

Since then, I have enjoyed many a Fourth of July extravaganza. Often surrounded by friends. On a rare occasion or two with a significant other. That perfect movie kiss moment never manifested, but that’s mostly because you can’t plan for a moment like that. It just has to happen.

Perfect moments do that–they just happen. That’s what makes them perfect. All the planning, hoping and tweaking in the world can’t create a true perfect moment. Perfection is a natural occurrence and, therefore, only occurs in fleeting, unexpected, measure. They come from the pre-existing beauty that we have accepted. They come from the genuine emotion we put out there and that is returned to us.

Perfect moments sneak up on us, with or without actual fireworks.

But when they do happen, those metaphorical fireworks, long ago co-opted and diluted by pop culture, are more glorious than any gunpowder and iron flash-bang ever launched.

Tags: holidays, introspection

You’ve survived the first few moments, where you were just head over heels for someone you didn’t know at all. You mustered the courage to introduce fantasy to reality and yourself to your crush. There’s only one more set of “moments” to go: the last few.

Of course, crushes can go on for a long time. Even Grown Up Crushes can linger as you decide if there is a friendship lurking amid the heady hopes and heart-thumping dreams. Those first few moments and last few moments may be separated by months–or years!

Inevitably, though, they do come around and you’re left with a choice to make.

There are only three ways a crush can end: You forgo romance and instead revel in a good, solid friendship; you take the plunge and dive into romance; you decide it was just a passing interest and go your separate ways.

As you disabuse yourself of the outlandish fantasy elements of your crush and bring your view of the other person down to a realistic level, you will learn a lot about them. You will also learn a lot about yourself. As the you work through the process, you should get a clear picture of where you fit in their lives and where you fit in theirs.

Finding Friendship

Most of the time, if you’re being honest with yourself about your crushes, you’ll find most of them make better friends than lovers. After all, there was something there that caught your interest and as long as it was more than just “Wow, she’s hot!” you probably have things in common.

If you’ve been working Grown-up Crushes for a while, you’ll have already discovered that Friendship is just another form of Love–a form not cluttered with all the trappings of Romance or the pressure of dating. If you’re open to it, Friendship can provide you with just about everything you need in a relationship.

Friendship is a good thing. Nothing is lost and you gain more time to explore one another’s lives. And who knows, maybe as time passes, you and your former crush will grow more as people and end up in the right place to explore those long-ago romantic feelings. (That leads into a discussion of the Friend Crush, of course, and won’t be fully dealt with here and now.)

Plunge Into Romance

In a handful (or more) of cases, your crush will be more than happy to explore romance with you. This is the way we hope all crushes will end when we start them. That hope, though, can cause us to make poor decisions.

Many times I have seen people fall in love with the idea of being in a relationship. They focus on the idea and not the reality that there is another person involved in the relationship. Another person who has to be just as willing and able to be involved. If you get into a relationship before introducing enough reality into the fantasy of your crush, you may very well be in for a rude awakening when reality finally creeps in.

But, there are lessons to be learned regardless of why or how the relationship starts. The only thing to be lost by taking the plunge into romance is the fantasy.

Hit the Road

Through getting to know someone you were crushing on, you may discover that the reality doesn’t contain any of the fantasy that once caught your attention. You may discover that even friendship would a stretch with the real person.

In that case, it is important that you give up the crush and accept the reality. If you’ve been paying attention and really being honest in your pursuit of a Grown-up Crush, you know you won’t be able to “save” or “fix” the reality of the person to make them match your initial fantasy. Any relationship based on one person trying to change the other–for better or worse–is doomed to failure.

That doesn’t mean you can’t still be genial to your now-former crush. By all means continue to be social with them. But try not to send mixed signals, either to yourself or to them. If you can’t handle the discrepancy between the initial fantasy and reality, it may be best to just stay away from them all together.

In the End

The last few moments of a crush can be painful or joyful and they can stretch out almost as long as those first few moments if you’re not careful. But if you’re honest with yourself and make your decision from the heart and not from the fear in the pit of your stomach or the noise in your mind–if you are decisive and willing to take the risk–the transition from crush to actual relationship can be quick and relatively painless.

Tags: fantasy

Sticking with the whole “lusty month of May” theme, let’s talk a little this week about intimacy and sex.

As you may have guessed from last week’s post, I think sex is more than a little over-rated. Too many people focus on it and miss out on what I think are the better things in a relationship. One of those things is intimacy.

Unfortunately, intimacy is too often confused with sex. Some people seem to think (and some of our entertainment would like us to believe) that sex is the most intimate thing you can do with someone. That sex has some intrinsic meaning to it.

Well, let me tell you that it most certainly does not.

What sex has intrinsically is the chance for reproduction of the species. That’s about it.

Everything else–all the deep meaning and romance and fun–comes from how we look at it and how we approach it. Even then, when we do everything “right”, sex can still come up short of filling some deeper need.

Sure, there’s biological needs and pressures that sex fulfills and relieves, and that would be all good and fine if we were just physical critters. We have an emotional side that needs to be fulfilled, too. And a spiritual side that needs energy of its own to feel whole.

Sex can fill all those needs, but only if it’s connected with intimacy.

What we’re not told enough is that, even without sex, most of those needs can be taken care of. (And, with a little self-love, all of those needs can get worked out.)

But what is intimacy? How can sex not have to be intimate?

Intimacy is that connection you feel with another person. That feeling of perfect trust and quiet comfort. It’s that feeling that’s often there after some really good sex… but if it’s a good relationship, it’s there long before you’re thrashing about in the bed (or the back seat).

Intimacy comes from being open and honest with someone who’s being equally open and honest with you. It is give and take–and you have to be willing to do both.

Sex can be a very mechanical thing. It can even be emotionless. I’ve seen enough interviews with sex workers over the years to accept that, for some, it’s just a job. Sex can be no different than your most boring day on the job.

But when sex is an expression of intimacy–when it comes from a natural progression of emotion (and not just a flash of hormones)–it can be a beautiful and invigorating thing.

Not to say that sex “just for fun” doesn’t have it’s place, but if you’re in it for the long-haul, it will be better than that one night stand.

Intimacy is what makes sex a part of a relationship and not just an end in itself. Intimacy is what adds the depth to the romance, making it more than just a hollow gesture. It’s what adds that “something more” to the biological urges that lets you choose to not bend to them until the time is right.

The only way to get it all right, is to know yourself and be willing to really know someone else.

Next week, we’re going to keep on this theme and talk a little about the ever-interesting concept of a fantasy life and how that ties in to intimacy, creativity and self-knowledge.

Tags: sex