How to Crush Without Being Crushed

Relationships are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment…

—Marianne Williamson

In high school, I attempted to go on a few dates. By most standards, none of those attempts were successful. By the time I got to college, I fel a lot less pressure about dating and tried to get things going more often. While most of those attempts weren’t successful either, they were, at least, less painful to fail at. That failure, when it occurred, could be attributed to a handful of reasons. Two of the most common are different flavors of plain old bad timing. (It’s that whole “Day Late, Dollar Short” thing, y’know.)

Bad Timing (By myself)
Anyone who’s been reading my words here for a while will know that I tend to crush on people pretty easily. Every now and then I actually try to upgrade a crush to an actual date. As those loyal readers also know, my luck when it comes to who I crush on isn’t always the greatest.

So, it should be no surprise that when I actually get around to asking a girl on a date (without doing my research first) things turn out to be timed just plain wrong.

Case in point: My second year at college a large group of my friends and I frequented the main campus dining hall. At that time, the food was still top-notch (especially considering it was the campus dining hall) and, even better, all-you-can-eat for one price.

The counters were staffed with students, of course, and after going regularly for a few weeks during any given quarter you could get a pretty good idea of everyone’s schedule. It was nice to have familiar faces behind the sneeze guards, standing dutifully in the steam. Sometime, when the lines weren’t too long, you could strike up a conversation or two with people you probably wouldn’t recognize without their trusty tongs and serving spoons.

I am a big fan of pizza. And my college had some pretty good ‘za. Even better, they had a few really cute girls that would rotate through the server position in the pizza station. One of them really caught my eye.

She was a little shorter than me, not incredibly slender and not too curvy, with this great loosely curled red-brown hair. She was cute, not gorgeous, but cute in a very safe, friendly sort of way. Her name, I would eventually find out, was Wendy.

After a few months of smiling at her as I picked up a couple of slices and offering pleasant “Hello”s, I managed to psych myself up for the actual Big Question. Luckily, I had my friends to help with that “psyching up” process. I tend to perform better when I have an audience to turn to if things go really bad. At least then I can share the laugh.

So on this particular day, as I go up for a second slice and first swing, I have it all planned out. There’s movies on the weekend that would be great, some camus events coming up–even if I have to schedule the date a month from that day, I’ve got options I can rattle right off.

After I get my ‘za (because having to ask for the food after asking someone out would just be awkward no matter what their answer was), I almost chicken out. I begin to walk away and then turn back.

“I know you probably get this all the time,” I say, almost wincing at how much that sounds like a typical pick-up line, “but would you be interested in going out some time?”

Wendy smiled politely. The kind of smile that says “Damn straight I get this all the time,” but in a nice way. She tells me she’s got a boyfriend, so the answer is no.

I say, “That’s OK…” and make my way back down to my table to relate the tale of failure to my eagerly awaiting friends.

For the rest of that quarter, I got my pizza from the other side of the cafeteria. Just to avoid awkwardness. After that, it was back to the polite smiles and general pleasantries.

Bad Timing (By Others)
My bad luck in dating often exploded to truly riotous proportions. Sometimes it was so bad, I could have sworn I was in some sort of scripted sitcom. A bad one. Where I was the sidekick to some dashing hunk.

By the end of my second year at college, I had switched majors. This brought me into contact with a whole new batch of people in a very varied group of classes. One of those classes was International Media (taught by one of my favorite professors of all time Dr. Michael Prosser). It was an interesting class–fun, creative and educational. Even better, though, were the people in it. Well, one person in particular.

Her name was Liz V. (not to be confused with another Liz who would end up in my classes… and who’d I’d have considerably more success with when it came to dating). She was very earthy. Her straight dark hair came down to just below her shoulder and her eyes were a warm brown with a sparkle of excitement in them. She didn’t wear a lot of jewelry or makeup, and when she did she went from attractive to stunning in her own way.

I had a couple of chances to work with Liz on projects in class and we got on pretty well. About halfway through the quarter, I decided I’d take the chance and ask her out. Though my job at the campus magazine, I had managed to score a stack of passes to a new movie coming out, so I even had an excuse to talk to her about something other than Russian news casts.

That day I made it in to the classroom early, so I could be ready as soon as she came in. Before long, she was there, getting situated in her desk. I started up the conversation and quickly got to the part I had rehearsed in my head.

“So what are you up to this weekend?” I asked.

“I don’t know yet,” she answered. Just the answer I was hoping for.

“Well…”

This was the point where my friend Jill walked into the room and took up the seat next to me, on the opposite side from where Liz was sitting.

“…I have some passes to a new movie that’s opening and I was…”

“What movie are you talking about?” Jill interjected.

“Uh,” I turned and glared at Jill. She was not part of my plan. “Don Juan DeMarco with Johnny Depp and Brando.”

“Oh!” Jill said with such vehemence you’d think she knew exactly what she was doing to me. “I’ve heard that’s a movie you have to get laid after seeing!”

I turned back to Liz. Using every ounce of my will power to not pummel Jill.

“Or we could go see something else…” I said sheepishly.

Then Dr. Prosser came in and class started.

I never got an answer. And I didn’t ask again.

After class, I explained to Jill exactly what she had done and she apologized. It was one of those moments of true obliviousness that you don’t actually believe exist until you experience it for yourself.

I ran in to Liz V. a year or so later (coincidentally when I was actually dating, uh, Liz…) at an event in the city. Her, my girlfriend, her boyfriend and I chatted very briefly before we went out separate ways.

I haven’t seen her since.

Tags: college

The new season of Beauty and the Geek has hit the CW.

Anyone who knows me, knows that this is one of the few reality shows that I actually think is worth watching. It’s one of the few that doesn’t encourage every-man-for-himself backstabbing. The show is actually about personal development and learning about others.

You can pick out those shows. They’re the ones where the people who leave aren’t upset because they’re not going to get to split that quarter-million dollar prize, but because they’re actually going to miss the people they’ve been living with.

The previous three seasons of the show have never failed to hit close to home for me. Looking at the geeks in the show (infinitely better representations of that particular species than what you’ll find in shows like Chuck), I see a lot of myself–especially a lot of my younger self. And I look at the beauties and I see so many people I’ve had crushes on over the years.

By the end of a season, we see both the beauties and the geeks grow. The geeks become more socially sure of themselves, more aware of the world around them. The beauties discover a different kind of self-confidence–one based not on their outer appearance, but on their actual capabilities (reminding me, of course, of so many of the beautiful and intelligent women I know now).

The key to the show is putting people in a position where they learn just how true it is that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Even more importantly, they learn to better read themselves and those around them, helping them to understand the richer story each has.

Out here in the real world, we have no producers or $250,000 prize to encourage us to do that. No camera crew helping the world watch us, no chance to obtain instant fame or infamy. Here in the real world, it’s up to us to put ourselves in those situations. We have to take the time to look beyond the covers of those around us.

Most importantly, we have to learn to look beyond our own cover and learn how to find the Pulitzer Prize winning material in our own pages.

Luckily, for the next handful of weeks, you’ll be able to watch other people do that. There’s even a bit of an inclusive twist this season as they’ve added a male beauty and a female geek (a first for the show). Maybe you can pick up some tips on how to do it on your own.

Tags: introspection

Random bits from longer discourses running through my head.

I remember the thought of her more fondly than the reality. From a distance, she was amazing. From a distance, she was all in my imagination. Reality? Not so good. At least I was smart (or lucky) enough to realize it quickly…

There was once a time when I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers gently along your skin. Listening for the quickening of your breath. Waiting for the inevitable tensing… and the relaxing. Watching the hairs on the back of your neck or your arms stand at attention and then quiver beneath my breath. Some days I still want that. Some days it’s still you I want it from…

Old lovers can, indeed, be good friends. Good friends can, indeed, be lovers. Sometimes it’s a question of circumstance, others a question of timing. Mine? Always a bit off…

There is a distinct dread that accompanies the prospect of getting into a romantic relationship. Will she meet my expectations? (Probably… I don’t have a lot.) Will I meet hers? (Ah! Now that’s where the dread enters!)…

People are amazed that I’ve been single for almost nine years. It was the first few that were most difficult, when I was still fresh from a long relationship. There’s nothing quite as hollow as those first few months without someone there. Especially if you’d only been apart from them, at most, a month or so over the previous three years. After the first year or so–especially with the slim pickings I was surrounded by–it gets a lot easier. After year five, those pangs of “want” only come back during special occasions. Really, it’s quite easy at this point…

“Easy” isn’t always “the right thing.” This holds true no matter the situation. Some of the greatest satisfaction–and reward–I’ve received has been from forgoing the “sure thing” and working up to the point where I tripped over the unexpected, hard-to-attain. Ask some and they’d swear I did the impossible once or twice. I don’t think I did. I’m just patient…

Lemons, lemonade, whatever life gives you and what you do with it, sometimes you still get some in a cut and it burns like a sonofabitch…

Unhappiness is normal in any relationship. Constant unhappiness is not. Feelings of fear are a dead on sign you should not be there–even if it’s fear of what you may do to them…

I learned long ago to be careful what I wish for. The Universe has a twisted sense of humor (not unlike the genies that showed up in Twilight Zone episodes or wishes granted by odd shriveled simian appendages). Oh, you’ll get what you ask for all right… and a whole lot more…

If all you think of is “her” then there’s a problem. There’s also a problem if you don’t think of her at all. I’ve been in both places. Neither is fun or easy to get out of…

Crushes can teach you a lot about yourself. So can relationships. Thing is, you have to want to learn and be willing to put the effort in to make either of those classes work for you. Without taking the chance of self-awareness, you’ll be happy, but dull…

What you want and what you need are often very different things that aren’t always compatible. Learn which is which and choose wisely which you focus on…

Being head over heels (in general) is almost like being head over heels (in love). Things keep spinning in odd directions, you find yourself thinking and doing strange things and, before you know it, people are looking at you funny…

Friendship is the most pure and common type of Love. We so seldom recognize it as such because of all the baggage the term “love” brings with it. I blame our language. Other languages have more elegant distinctions than just “I like her” and “I like like her”…

“Like” is a funny term…

So is “auto-erotic asphyxiation.” But I blame that one episode of the X Files for the chuckle I get from that one…

Sometimes, the best person for you is right there in front of you. Sometimes, neither of you realize that. (But everyone else around you most certainly does. Eventually.)…

Related to that last one: We always miss within ourselves what is most obvious to us in other people. Think about that when you’re watching other people.

Tags: introspection

Without a doubt, self-confidence is one of the cornerstones of a successful life.

It helps us get ahead in our careers. It helps us stand up for ourselves so we can do what we want. And it helps us get what we need out of our relationships.

Without self-confidence, we can easily end up little more than a doormat. Other people can and will just walk all over us. At best, they’re the ones with more self-confidence and a kind heart and will tread lightly. At worst, they’re bullies who will spend a great deal of time and take great pleasure in wiping and grinding their feet on us for as long as possible.

We’ve all seen relationships like that. Heck, you may have even been in a relationship like that–on one side of the sole or the other. I think we can all agree that being walked all over like that–having our voices drowned out or outright ignored–isn’t much fun.

I know I never found it much fun.

But how do you build self-confidence?

The answer sounds simple: By doing things like standing up for yourself. By knowing what you’re talking about. By reaching out and taking what you want.

Step up and try to do that right away and you’ll find you fail more often than you succeed. We’re not often told that’s how it goes. We’re not told that the road to self-confidence is paved in failure.

That failure, though, breeds experience. Experience is the real key to building self-confidence.

On the relationship front, that’s where the whole Grown Up Crush process comes in to play.

As we examine our crushes, we learn about ourselves. That knowledge gives us something to fall back on in the dark times that come after a failure. We’ll be at least partially prepared for how we react to rejection. It won’t make it any easier right away, but it will help us get back up on our feet quicker.

An extra added bonus of crushing more actively and intelligently, you end up with more friends. When we fall, it’s often our friends that are there to cushion our fall. When you get to know people–especially people you start out with a crush on–you form deeper connections (at least with those you decide are good too keep around as friends).

Perhaps most importantly, running through relationship possibilities regularly in your head sharpens your awareness of how people in general behave. That knowledge–gained through observation, research and application of other theories–gives you the personal depth to realize that you are worth being listened to.

If you watch people interact half as much as I have, you’ll quickly find that even the most confident person you know is faking it half the time. Everyone is just as scared as you are. Everyone has times when they feel like they don’t matter.

And everyone who exudes confidence pushes past that and, basically, fakes it until they make it.

Are there some people who take that too far? There most certainly are. They’re the arrogant ones. The bullies and abusers. The ones who cross the line from self-confident to pompous. Just like a crush can descend into obsession, confidence can turn to arrogance.

Again, knowing where that line lies is something that can only be discovered through self-knowledge. And that self-knowledge is the reason behind the Grown Up Crush.

Tags: introspection

All of my self-confidence when it came to dating was crushed out of me by the time I was 14 years old.

By that time, I had spent more than a year pining away after a girl who wouldn’t even breathe in my direction if she didn’t have to. I had firmly settled myself right near the bottom of the social pecking order and had almost totally bought into the popular idea that I was highly unpopular. At best, the girls around me tolerated me. At worst, they actively avoided me. Mostly, they just ignored me.

For a very long time, I let that “It’ll never work because I’m not good enough” attitude monopolize what passed for my relationship life. Every now and then I’d have a burst of masochistic desire and try to ask someone out. Inevitably, I’d work myself up about it, stumble over my intended approach and then either chicken out or never follow through.

While that made for some funny stories (in retrospect), it did not make me all that happy at the time.

But during that time I spent a whole lot of energy watching what other people did. I did everything but take actual notes on their escapades, successes and failures. I vowed to never make those same, easily avoidable mistakes–like lying to or cheating on your significant other. I got so good at reading people that I could tell in a few minutes if one person liked another or if the relationship was going well.

The one place I remained oblivious was if someone liked me. Why? Because I didn’t believe it could be true. If I even got an inkling that someone liked me, I immediately chalked it up to wishful thinking or some vile plot to humiliate me later on.

Years after the fact, I’d discover that I missed out on a whole lot of opportunities because of that blind spot.

All of that, in a way, brought me to where I am now and helped me form the Crush Theory I talk about here. I had a need to understand myself and others. Why? Because I needed to know what was wrong with me.

Eventually, I’d find out that there really wasn’t anything wrong with me. I was no more or less screwed up when it came to relationships than most other people out there. Sure there were amazingly smooth operators and total psycho hose beasts, but the vast majority of people fell into the middle group of partially blind and sometimes lucky. I was just a little more blind a a lot more scared.

That all started to change by the end of high school. By then I was passing through the tail end of the darkest time in my life and discovering that, lo and behold, I was an OK person who actually deserved to be happy. Just a few kind words and a few good responses from members of the opposite sex went a long way in making that happen.

College rolled in and, just for fun, I’d get up the courage to ask people out on a regular basis. Sure I was flatly rejected most of the time, but I was OK with that. I’d learned to be OK with it. I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone by actually dating. The challenge was in the asking.

The challenge was in finding the confidence to put myself out there.

That confidence–perhaps the most valuable gem was all have hiding within ourselves–is the key to many things. Confidence that, yes, we are good enough. That, yes, we’re just fine being who we are. That, yes, having someone else around would be nice, but it’s not necessary to be a complete person.

When I mention that I’ve been single for more than eight and a half years, I get a lot of different reactions. Most of them are of the “My god! I could never do that!” variety of disbelief. They ask me how I’ve managed.

Truth be told, I don’t often think about it. I hit a comfort zone years ago. I got to the point where I knew what I needed (mostly through looking at my crushes and past relationships) and realized that I had it. I knew what I wanted and realized that most of it wasn’t really that important or was a product of external forces (there is a great deal of pressure out there to be in a relationship of some sort).

I simply chose to do without romantic attachments. And I found enough confidence within myself to do just that.

But every now and then I start to feel the need for a new challenge. A need to disrupt the comfortable pattern I’ve fallen in to. A desire to once again put that confidence to the test by putting myself out there to be flatly rejected and laughed at–or to still be surprised that other people think I’m just as worthwhile as I know I am. Comfort needs to be periodically disrupted in order to be fully appreciated. Old knowledge needs to be tested to be sure it’s still true.

The greatest confidence game we ever play is with ourselves–and it has nothing at all in common with the cajoling and misdirection of underhanded con-men. Your personal con game is all about finding yourself and not being afraid to let others find you, too.

Some things never change… the thrill of the question “Hey, you wanna go out sometime?” is one of them.

And once you discover it, the deep knowledge that even if the answer is “No” that things will be just fine is another.

Together, those two constants can make for some very good stories, especially when the answer is “No.”

Maybe it’s time to start gathering stories like that again.

Tags: introspection