How to Crush Without Being Crushed

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s how easily I can fall back into old patterns.

And my old patterns when it comes to romantic feelings are far from beneficial to me or anyone else who may be involved.

I can very quickly fall into an obsessive, self-destructive crush mode. On the flip side, I can fall for someone because I think I can “save” them–the perfect example of White Knight Syndrome. There are also any number of other things that I’m at least vaguely attracted to that are sure-fire paths to badly skewed cost/benefit ratio.

In order to avoid those known problem areas, I’ve got a set of questions and tests that I’ve conditioned the logical side of my mind to automatically start running through as soon as a crush lasts for more than a day or two. Here are five of the big ones.

1. Am I Really Falling For Her?

Often, this is the only question I need to ask and answer to determine a real relationship would be a bad idea. There are many things that can look like falling for someone. You can be in love with the idea of a relationship–any relationship–and the object of your crush is just a convenient target. You can see them as a “project”–something to be fixed (a la The White Knight issues). Or, in my case, you can fall for the idea of the story that the attempt at the relationship would lead to–probably not the best reason to get involved with someone.

2. Why Am I Falling For Her?

If you manage to get past the first question, this one serves as a double-check and a deeper exploration of your own feelings. Again, the answer here could point back to a White Knight issue (“Because she has so much potential that I can help bring out!”). It can also lead to a very sensible list of positive qualities that match well with your own sensibilities. A close look at this list can also hint at the depth of the potential relationship–if everything focuses on the physical (pretty, snappy dresser, good job, etc.), there’s a hefty chance it’ll be a superficial fling.

3. What Do We Have In Common?

Another chance for a nice list. Relationships between people with nothing in common (despite what oh-so-many pop-culture fairy tales tell us) rarely work out well in the long run. At best, both people happily go their separate ways with broadened horizons. More often, there are grudges, heavy misunderstandings, and big fights. One big thing to look for is a common communication style. If one of you communicates best face to face and the other does best via e-mail or text message, it’s going to be a rough road.

4. Is A Relationship Even Vaguely Appropriate?

Is she a co-worker? Is he a business partner? Your boss? Your employee? A recent ex of a good friend? There are any number of situations that could make a relationship seem inappropriate. Even if it isn’t a make-or-break question, it’s important to realize going into a relationship how it’s going to look to those outside. External social dynamics can cause a lot of problems inside a relationship.

5. How Much Am I Willing To Compromise?

This is the biggest of the big deal questions. It can override all that come before or after it. It can also, in retrospect, point right back to the first question. Almost any obstacle can be overcome, almost any hardship beaten, but all that comes at a cost. Often, that cost is in our own comfort, integrity, safety, and/or security. If she refuses to live north of the Mason-Dixon line, are you OK with having to travel long distances to visit your family in Chicago? If he can’t stand the west coast, are you willing to give up on that dream of living in LA? Relationships are always about compromise, you should be very familiar with where your limits of giving are.

Granted, these are all questions asked by the logical side of the brain. There’s only so much that side can do if the emotional half is determined to jump from crush to relationship, no matter what.

At least if things go poorly, you’ll have the small consolation of being able to look back, shake your head, and say “I should have known.”

And if things go well… all the better: You’ve either beaten your own odds or proved you accurately know yourself.

Tags: crushes, lessons learned, lists, relationships

When exploring, there are two main things you need: a starting point and a rough idea of what you’re looking to do.

The starting point gives you somewhere to gauge how far you’ve gone. It gives you an anchor point and, in a worst case scenario, a port of sorts to return to.

The rough idea of what you’re looking for gives you the reason to leave that port in the first place. For explorers of old, like Magellan and Columbus, that rough idea was “I want to see what else is out there (and maybe make some cash finding better ways around).” So they set sail into uncharted waters and, along the way, charted them.

While doing that they pushed the limits of reason, of the technology of the time and of themselves and their crew. Some of those limits expanded more easily than others when hit, some of them more painfully and with greater repercussions. Everyone involved–and, soon enough, all of the world–ended up with different limits. And all of those limits were farther from the starting point than when they started.

In our own lives, we all develop limits. There is only so far we comfortably stray from our safe ports–be they physical or mental–before turning around and coming back. Rarely do most venture out in to the uncharted territories, those places on the map labeled only “Here there be dragons.”

But if you’re really interested in growing, in learning about yourself and, ultimately, building better relationships, you have to venture into those dark waters.

Before you do that it helps to know the same two things any other explorer should know: where you’re starting and what you’re hoping to accomplish.

Without the proper preparation, you have little point of reference and may find yourself going endlessly in circles. If you lose sight of where you started, you run deeper and farther into dangerous places that you’re not quite ready for.

The first rule is “Know thyself.”

That is your starting point.

Your goal? Know thyself better.

Yes, that’s a broad and some would say easily achievable goal.

After all, everything we do can teach us a little more about ourselves, right?

Yes, anything can… but most of us don’t bother to learn like that. We learn best when put in more extreme situations.

We discover the most about ourselves when we push ourselves (or, in some cases, are pushed) to our current personal limits. One nudge beyond that, one step over that line we could see so clearly from where we once stood, and we are out of our comfort zone and in completely new territory.

Once you’re in that new space, you may find it’s not as bad as you imagined. More importantly, you’ll have not only learned something about yourself, you’ll have tested that knowledge and taken action with it.

The second rule is: Knowledge that is not tested, is not proven.

When exploring your own personal limits, engage in deep thinking and thought experiments. Role play different scenarios, either alone or with trusted friends. Discuss things. But, when given the chance, act on what you know.

You will, without a doubt, discover some limits that you can’t–or won’t choose to–push. That’s OK. Those are important limits. They mark end points, and end points can be almost as important as yours tarting point. The more you find, the better defined your map of yourself becomes.

But if endpoints are important, why not choose one from the beginning? Why not work toward a specific goal instead of the more general one?

You can do that.

In doing so, though, you run the risk of forgetting to pay attention to the journey and the opportunities it provides. By going after one goal, you may miss out on other, unexpected and equally important discoveries.

No matter what, you will end up in a different place from where you began–a new starting point for your next adventure in self exploration.

Tags: growth, limits, self exploration

Above all else, self control is the key to making a Grown Up Crush happen.

Without self control, without the ability to follow the rules, there is little to be gained from a crush that can’t be gained just as easily (and painfully) as from jumping into a relationship.

The rules to be followed can go well beyond the basic rules of crushes. You can take any rules you like and practice your self control by making yourself follow them. Like a muscle, willpower gets stronger the more you work it.

Start with little things–waiting an extra ten minutes before tearing into dessert, putting off picking up that new DVD until the second week it’s out–things that don’t really matter in the scheme of things. If you’re a chronic dater, work up to spending some time single. If you’re shy, work up to starting a conversation with someone new.

What’s important is that you learn where your weaknesses are, self-control-wise, and work on them. Get used to a more strict routine, force yourself to pay attention to what you do, how you do it and how it makes you feel.

By creating your own rules to live by–and sticking to them–you gain not just a deeper amount of self-knowledge but also a higher level of self control.

Both of those benefit anyone working on Grown Up Crushes.

It’s not easy to move into the “Grown Up Crush Zone” when having just a plain old crush is fun and exciting. But if you are aware of how you react and are able to assert control over yourself–if you are able to step up and play by the rules of the Grown Up Crush–you’ll be able to take full advantage of everything it has to offer.

Of course, if you’re not careful, you can become trapped by your own arbitrary rules. Never be afraid to discard a rule you’ve created if it becomes too much of a hindrance–or if you find yourself using your rules as an excuse to totally isolate yourself from the rest of your life.

Rules are there to give us boundaries and perspective. If they begin to confine and cloud, they have lost their usefulness as tools and should be discarded.

Every thing has some sort of rules to play by.

The problem is, none of us are handed a rule book when we’re born; let alone when we really need it–like when we’re teenagers. The only way to figure out the rules for something as tricky as a crush is by trial and error.

And, boy, do we err a lot when it comes to matters of the heart.

Here’s some rules that I’ve learned over the years.

The 6 Rules of Crushes

1. Crushes aren’t relationships (at least not outside of your head).
2. Don’t tell them you have a crush on them.
3. Keep fantasy and reality separate.
4. Remain optimistic while crushing on someone (it’s supposed to be at least a little fun).
5. Don’t act until you’re ready to go all the way into a real relationship.
6. Once you’re ready to go all the way, be ready to act when opportunity knocks.

The 6 (More) Rules of a Grown-up Crush

1. Think, but don’t over think.
2. Know the difference between “want” and “need.”
3. Learn how to give of yourself.
4. Find friendship first.
5. Be willing to trade fantasy for reality.
6. Above all else: Be honest.

Do those rules jive with what you’ve experienced? Do you have some that I’m missing?

I want to know.

You’ve all heard me mention the book I’m working on. If we hang out, you’ve heard me pitch it more than a few times. Well, I’ve actually been doing work on it (not just talking about it) in an effort to get some sort of web presence set up by about this time next week. Not sure yet if I’m going to make that self-imposed deadline.

But, what I do have is the backbone of the book. I present to you, in a rough and totally abbreviated form…

The Seven Types of Crushes

The Grown-Up Crush–Also known as the Adult Crush. This is the main crush the book will deal with. It entails realizing your crushing on someone and using that fantasy relationship to explore aspects of yourself (like what you want and need in a relationship, what you can contribute to one, what really turns you on in meaningful ways in a relationship). A Grown-Up crush is a tool for self-discovery and allows a foundation for a real, solid relationship–either romantic or platonic–to be built.

The Puppy Love Crush–Also known as the Childlike Crush. This is a pure crush, not focused on sex. Rather it is that longing for closeness that many of us can probably remember from our grade school years. Those times when we just really really liked being around someone, and yet, couldn’t put our finger on why. As we matured, so did our understanding of the reasons we were attracted to someone. Once we’re in our teens, Puppy Love crushes are few and far between.

The Hot Crush–Also known as the Adolescent Crush. Ah, the days of raging hormones… when one thought summed up the whole of our existence: “I want to do her.” (Or him, of course.) There’s not much more than lust behind this crush type. Usually, it’s a surface attraction (“Damn, she’s smokin’ hot! I’d hit that.”) But, as we all know, that can be a powerful force to reckon with. The Hot crush can easily turn into an Obsessive crush or, if you actually cool down enough to get to know the person, a very useful Grown-Up crush.

The Obsessive Crush–Also known as the Stalker Crush or just plain Obsession. This is what happens when a crush gets out of control. The line between fantasy and reality has been crossed and ignored. The crush-er may even imagine the feelings he or she has are mutual. A full-blown Obsessive crush can be a very dangerous thing–for both the crush-er and the crush-ee.

The Friend Crush–Everyone’s been there (or seen the movie–so many movies). You’ve known someone for years, have formed a great friendship with them, and then, one day out of the blue *wham!* you’re suddenly head over heels for them. This isn’t always a bad thing and, more often than not, can be handled. The Friend Crush can usually be transformed into an advanced Grown-Up Crush. If dealt with in a sensible and thoughtful way, it can lead to either a stronger friendship or the best damn romantic relationship you can have.

The Hollywood Crush–Also known as the Character Crush or the Literary Crush. Can you fall for a fictional character? You bet you can. This is a pure fantasy crush (for most people, except, of course, Katie Holmes–who did have a crush on Tom Cruise when she was much younger). Often, it rides along with a Hot Crush (especially when dealing with movie stars). Unless it creeps into Obsession, this can be the most fun crush–and one that’s easy to share with people around you. You can learn a lot by looking at the characters you fall for.

The Internet Crush–Also known as the Public Crush. It’s a crush! It’s flirting! Stop! You’re both right! This is one that crosses the boundaries between just crushing on someone and flirting with them. These days, there’s usually a public or semi-public bit of banter that goes back and forth between the crush-er and the crush-ee. One or both may just see it as a game, those watching the messages go back and forth may not be so sure. This one can cause trouble in some real relationships, but can also be a healthy outlet. Of course, it could also deteriorate into outright stalking. This one’s best used only if many, many miles separate the people involved.

As always, feedback is much appreciated.