How to Crush Without Being Crushed

Every now and then I get reminded what real Love is.

And every single time I’m surprised that it’s so easy to lose sight of it.

We spend so much of our lives chasing Love. We make fools of ourselves for it. We hurt ourselves and others in the name of it. We grow and celebrate and twist and turn and laugh and cry in pursuit of it.

But oh so rarely do we actually stop and think about what it is.

Too often it’s not until we’ve had it and “lost” it that we wake up and think “Oh! That’s what it’s supposed to be like!”

Even then we don’t quite get it–because we think we’ve lost it.

That right there is the biggest misconception ever.

Real Love isn’t something you can lose.

Real Love is something you give.

We can chase and reach all we want–that won’t get us Love.

But we forget that. We think it’s all about what we get from others. We think we have to receive for it to be good. We think what we should only give our Love when we’re going to get it back.

Most of these misconceptions come from how we’re told things “should” be. As anyone who has taken a minute to think about the matter, few things are ever how we think they “should” be. All of our “shoulds” don’t mean a bit in the face of what is.

When it comes to Love, what is is that we get it only if we give it. When given freely and without expectation, something always comes back our way. Or, even more frequently (and more frequently missed), something else wells up within us.

Without fail, we all forget that inner joy. Instead we quest for the flutter and flame of romance (so much easier to recognize, so much easier to explain to others). We look for that and we call it Love. If we’re lucky, in a moment of fun, we forget we want something in exchange for what we give and real Love slips in.

I know I’m as guilty as anyone of forgetting what real Love is like.

But, every now and then, when I’m out and about, I run into someone I do actually Love. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone I’ve Loved for weeks, months or years, the effect is always the same.

I see them happy and I smile. I smile because that’s all I ever want for someone I really Love–for them to be happy.

Sure, I wish it was me making them happy, but that’s secondary to what is real.

If you Love someone, their happiness is what fills you with joy.

That is where the connection is made.

The best case is that they feel the same way. Then the system feeds itself and you discover something better than Romance. You discover that feeling you’ve been looking for, loud and strong, resonating between you and another person.

More typically, they don’t feel the same way and you feel a bittersweet twinge. The bitter part comes from the unrequited hopes, not the unrequited Love. If you can move past that, you’ll see that the deeper feeling still rings true.

Of course, the only way to get to that point is to practice. I prefer to practice by crushing on people. Right off the top I’m not looking for actual returned feelings. As time passes and I get to know her as a person, though, it becomes easier and easier to separate my hopes from what is.

The actual Love becomes disentangled from the Romance and the weight of expectation and want.

I forget that, sometimes.

But all it ever takes to remind me, is seeing her smile.

At one point or another, you’re going to have a crush that goes from light and fun to downright dark and destructive.

It happens to the best of us, no matter how well we know ourselves, no matter how hard we try to keep it form happening. It’s just part of the process.

The important thing is to, in those moments of clarity that always pop up in such a situation, to be able to recognize you’ve crossed a line. Once you’re aware of that, then you can pull yourself back before you get totally squished by an obsessive crush.

Here’s seven warning signs to look for.

1. You think about the object of your crush all the time.

Obsession is one of those things that sneaks up on you. If you’re not aware of your own normal patterns, you may not notice it at all. But if you do pay attention to where your mind wanders, you should be able to catch it drifting again and again to the same person. The tricky thing here is that there’s a fine line between fond daydreams and obsessive thoughts. Know where that line lies for you and, if you feel you’re crossing it, stop yourself.

2. Your crush starts to get in the way of your everyday life.

When you start to seriously change your patterns of behavior just to catch a glimpse of the object of your affection, you could be in trouble. If those pattern changes get in the way of your job or interactions with friends or family, you’re crossing into a danger zone. Rein in your obsession before it takes a chunk out of your life and livelihood.

3. You find yourself doing things you swore you would never do.

Sending five e-mails to the same person in a row. Incessantly calling and hanging up. Staying up all night in your car, parked across from her apartment building. Yeah, things like that. Things you once looked at and said “Gee, that’s ridiculous!” Check yourself and your actions. Have you become that creepy character you used to make fun of in movies?

4. You’re not working to mesh fantasy and reality.

Even if you do start slipping into all three of the things mentioned above, it can still be OK and part of the normal progression from crush to relationship. The key to that? Making an effort to reconcile the fantasy you have going on with what actually is. If you’re working up the nerve to talk to your crush, it’s OK to balk a few times. But if it becomes a constant thing, or you lose sight of where that line is between fantasy and reality (see below), you’re in trouble.

5. If asked, the object of your crush would either not know you or be afraid of you.

Part of moving from fantasy to reality is actually interacting in a productive way with the object of your crush. If he or she doesn’t know who you are or–even worse–is being totally creeped out by what you’ve been doing, stop and give him or her some space. If you haven’t crossed the line into obsessive stalker territory, this shouldn’t be much of a problem. A little time and breathing room can go a long way to clearing up misconceptions. Most of the time.

6. Your friends have told you you’re taking things too far.

The simple fact of the matter is that we’re often blind to our own actions. Even if you’ve spent years getting to know yourself, there’s always something you can’t see. This is where your friends become important. Good friends will let you know when you cross lines. Great friends will go out of their way to pull you back into safe and sane territory. If you’re keeping your crush and what you do in relation to that crush a secret from even your closest friends, you’re treading on dangerous ground and may already be in a very bad place. If you’re not sure, get a second opinion from someone you trust.

7. You can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

If someone asks if you have girlfriend and you say “Yes” and start telling stories about all the dates you’ve been on, the person you name should be able to corroborate those stories. If they can’t you’re either lying on purpose to the person asking or you’ve lost your grasp on reality and gotten stuck in a fantasy world. Chances are you won’t realize this. If you’ve made it this far into destructive crush territory, it may take some serious intervention (and a whole lot of trouble) to get back on the right side of the fence. Depending on how far astray you’ve wandered, there may be legal action that happens (restraining orders are not good things, being picked up for attempted murder due to imagined jealousy is even worse). It is much easier to not let things get to this point.

Crushes are wonderful and useful things, but they can also lull you into a fantasy life that has no real connection to the rest of the world. Keep at least one foot on the ground at all times, no matter how high in the clouds your head may be and you’ll be able to avoid the worst of the problems above. Be open and honest with yourself and those around you and you won’t have to do that alone.

Tags: lists

Things are busy here in WithoutBeingCrushed.com-land. Between Christmas and today, I’ve already fallen into three or four new crushes.

And of those three or four, I’ve already taken the chance and pushed one or two of them ahead to the “trying to get to know her better” stage. That, of course, brings the whole process closer to the “attempting to date” arena, the point of “new friend” (where the crush transforms into that all-important lasting platonic relationship) or on to “no, really, she’s really not that awesome, we’ll just go our separate ways” land.

Those are really the three places every crush should head. While I personally prefer to acquire new friends over dating and meeting people who will just fall out of my life, I’m really game for any of those outcomes at the beginning.

The problem is, you can’t get to any of those places without taking a bit of a chance.

Taking that chance always involves a leap into the uncomfortable, it always involves the possibility of failure and it always involves what, on the surface, seems quite simple: just talking to her.

I’ve never been particularly good at that.

My nerves often get the best of me, my throat closes up, my tongue goes numb and my brain just freezes. More than once over the years, I’ve been able to do little more than squeak out a weak “hi” when face-to-face with the object of my irrational affection.

Looking back, the only times I used to do well with talking to women was when I did it accidentally or when I was in a totally self-destructive mood and didn’t care about the risk. More recently, I’ve tried to harness old lessons to ease the anxiety without being oblivious or seeking my own annihilation.

The trick, for me, is to be honest in my goals. All I really want is for that potential friendship to become something real. Any romance that may occur would be an extra added bonus. I’m not preoccupied by “gettin’ some” or any other typical male motives. Without those in the way, the blow to the ego from a rejection is a little bit less.

Why? Because first, I’m not putting myself on the line. A rejection of a non-sexual nature doesn’t assail any of the basic, animalistic desires that drive us all. Second, it allows me a psychological “out”–I can simply say “Well, she just misinterpreted what I was trying to do… she just thought I was another guy hitting on her.” That places any blame on the communication process and not either person, letting it be looked at much more objectively. And third, well, I fully realize that it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get another date or another friend. One and/or he other would be nice, but only if the other person is in to that idea, too.

With little to lose and everything to gain, I get an extra little boost that helps me overcome the innate random anxiety of taking that chance. The rest of that push comes from sheer force of will and knowing, from years of experience, that no matter what, the interaction to come has to be better than other interactions I’ve had.

The worst thing that usually happens is the attempt to strike up a conversation or to get to know her better gets read as a standard pick-up line or an attempt to bed her. It’s a bit difficult to not be read that way with every other guy she meets having those goals. A little persistence and a lot of honesty of intent can go a long way, though.

I’m about a month and a half away from what I hope will be a successful “official” launch of the Without Being Crushed website. Needless to say, I’m a bit nervous.

But I always get like that when I start making plans.

I really should know better by now.

One of the worst things I ever tried to do while pursuing any of my crushes was to try to plan out how an interaction would go. I’d get myself all worked up over everything that could go wrong and, sometimes more so, over things that could possibly go right. Half the time that prevented me from doing anything–I was just too worn out!

The other half of the time I learned pretty solidly that no matter how thoroughly you plan, it never goes quite like you’ve rehearsed.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t try to be prepared for how things may go. On the contrary, being aware of contingencies is one of the best things you can do in business or in relationships. What you can’t do is get so attached to a certain pattern that you freeze up when you deviate from it.

Most of life is improvisation. If you’re going to go all in, you have to be comfortable working without a script. You have to know yourself well enough to switch gears quickly to keep up with what reality throws at you. Knowing what may go on helps with that. Being able to adapt comes from a willingness to learn.

Whenever I got myself stuck on what the script was going to be for a conversation, I stood a good chance of freezing up when the other person didn’t deliver her line quite the way I had planned. Once I got over my expectations for what the responses would be, it got a little easier to follow through on my initial plans. Not always to the letter, but at least to an end.

Over the next month and a half, I expect to do a lot of improv here. Past that official launch date, I expect things to get a bit chaotic. I hope to be surprised (in a good way) on how I ride those waves and on what they bring in with them.

Regardless of how it goes, it’ll be learning experience–just like every last one of my crushes.

Earlier today, a friend of mine and I were chatting about my How to Crush project and she started asking some pretty good questions. So good, in fact, it ended up reading like a real interview. Thankfully, I was smart enough to save a copy of that conversation. Here’s the first part of it. (Thanks, Steph!)

You have been open about having not been in the dating game for a while now. so why should anyone take romantic advice from you?

It’s really not about romance. It’s about relationships. The most important one being the relationship with yourself. Romance–real and imagined–is just a tool to learn more about yourself… And by doing so, be better able to understand your interactions with others.

Are you okay with yourself?

I am very OK with myself. Which is why I can be happily single for nearly a decade.

Are you not okay with others? What i’m getting at is so what are you waiting for then?

I am very OK with others… which is why I have such a wonderful group of friends. What should I be waiting for? There’s nothing to be waiting for. I’m not really wanting anything, relationship-wise, right now.

Because…?

The only reasons I’d go out and get myself all tied up in a relationship now would be to:
1) Get more stories to tell or
2) Because I suddenly feel the need to.

So you’re not, like, anti-relationship or anything.

Oh, hell no! Relationships–romantic or otherwise–are fantastic things. They’re natural and human things. They help us define ourselves and help us grow.

But, just like many things that are natural and often helpful, they can be damaging, too. We’ve all seen people go through incredibly destructive relationships. We all know people who get into relatioships that everyone around them knows will be destructive… and yet, they are oblivious to that fact.

In this culture we are pushed to think that being in a relationship is the only way we can be happy– the only way we can be normal and sane. That’s just wrong. It’s not the only way to be happy. And it is just as normal to be happy being uninvolved.

Or, it would be if the external pressure would let it.

But that all goes back to the so what are you waiting for question again. You’re not anti-relationship. Without discounting that you can be happy single, don’t you ever want to be in a relationship or have sex again? After ten years, you know that you can be perfectly happy single, but how will you know if you can be happy in a relationship or not if you don’t try it again?

I’ve been in relationships and I’ve been happy in them. I’ve also seen a whole lot of people go from relationship to relationship and remain miserable. No matter how hard they try, they just can’t make it work. The most successful relationships I’ve ever seen are those between two individuals who feel complete in and of themselves. When people like that come together, they create a pair that can last.

So you’re waiting for that special complete someone who’s not a lunatic?

Well, I’m waiting for a distinct feeling of need to be in a relationship… but that gets into my personal metaphysical beliefs on how my life works. Everyone has a slightly different set of rules, wants and needs that they have to reconcile. I neither expect nor encourage people to go through everything I have in order to get to a good “happy place.” But I have found that some techniques seem to work for a lot of other people. The main one being: Pay Attention!

So besides the lack of good stories to tell, what would make you need a relationship? Do you just wake up one morning and you’re like “Damn, I need a woman”?

Not “a woman.” It would be “that woman”–someone specific. And it would probably happen in the course of meeting her. At least that’s how it’s worked for me in the past.

So you just haven’t crossed paths yet?

We may have… but people change. I’m not the same person I was a year ago.

For the me I am now, it may be a different woman than it would have been for the me a year ago. Maybe she wasn’t the person she needed to be to get involved with me yet..Maybe our paths haven’t crossed at all. Therein lies the adventure of it all!

Interesting.

And that is really where the basic rule of “Pay Attention!” comes in. You have to be aware of who you are and the difference between your own wants and needs–and the wants pushed upon you by society. You have to be able to confidently say “No, not just yet” when you know that a relationship isn’t right.

For me it’s not so much paying attention as listening to what I’m thinking

That’s paying attention! Paying attention to the internal monologue that directs us.

We usually know a whole lot more about ourselves than we’re willing to admit to anyone–even ourselves. It can be very scary to be really honest with yourself. Most of us are full of things we don’t like.

So what happens when you’re basically okay with yourself as a solo project but you don’t particularly want to be solo while at the same time you don’t want to settle for just anyone?

That becomes a question of balancing out the two potentially conflicting “wants” there.

You “want” to be with someone–but not just anyone. That in and of itself can cause some internal conflict.

But then the whole thing gets even more complex because then you have to take into account the wants of others.

Mis-matched wants and needs are one of the biggest causes of relationship problems I’ve ever seen. Or experienced.

This would be where I point out that I’m a big fan of recreational relations–be they simply dating or sexual in nature. They can be fun, wonderful and educational things. They’re just not my thing. The mindsets required for them don’t match with my own wants and needs.

I know, for example, that if I’m in a relationship, I need to be in that relationship for the long run. I’ve been pretty good at recognizing when a romantic relationship won’t be a long run kind of thing (which is most times).

That skill–a skill because it can be learned–has saved me from a whole lot of pain and suffering… and gained me a whole lot of good friends.